Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I actually cannot think of one time since Salem was born that I have sat at my computer for over an hour like this. I have started a little list of "things to write about" when I got the chance. Five weeks later I have our baby sleeping, girls at "Mimi's house" and I feel slightly crazed about what I should try to write about. It's always easiest to just do a little stream of consciousness, so here I go.
Salem has a new name and it's got a cute little ring to it: Velcro. Yes my dittle bug likes to be attached...to me...to my milk supply...to people who will hold him upright in general. But forget playmats, bouncy seats or swings. The apparatice holding him must be breathing. He is now five weeks old. It came up on me so fast that at 4 1/2 weeks I realized that I didn't have a 1 mth baby appointment with my doctor so I scrambled to make one with a doctor at the practice I had never met. He had a Chinese nurse named Jing who talked to me about living in the US while poking my son with a shot that made him cry so hard he didn't breath for five seconds straight. :( Vel is smiling, staring, and finally maybe starting to enjoy our jungle play gym...for 3 minutes at a time. He doesn't like naps and man grunts a lot when he is about to wake up, so at night I lie in bed holding my breath for a couple minutes until the grunts die off or turn into frantic cries. I'm finally starting to think boy clothes are cute, especially the monkey onsie he has one today with brown sweatpants. I'm wishing they were in my size on this gross rainy day.
The girls are still in love with him and have said "baby sa sa" about 849 times now over the last five weeks. Kanah smiles so big when she says it that I can count all of her teeth. We managed to keep the girls off binkies for two years and now Kanah has decided she likes to steal Salem's and we have to take them from her. Grace acts rather shy about the whole little brother thing and whispers "baby brother" when she sees him. If I offer for her to hold him, though, she gets a cute smile, says "hold" and straddles her legs so he can sit with her. She likes it when I offer for her to kiss his head. I'm kind of glad the older siblings are girls. We haven't had any troubles with "Don't throw the blocks at the baby!!!" type things. They mainly just want to squeeze him to pieces, kiss him, put the binkie in his mouth when he'd rather not have it, and cover him in blankies of all sorts. Thankfully it's babydoll season in our house and he's their favorite one because you can't pay ToysRUs for one that breaths, cries, and poops real poops.
I've had to learn all over again that the first months after a baby is born you live only for that baby. Everyone helping me has been here mostly for the girls and I have taken to being Salem's main "mobile bouncy seat". I'm not cooking yet - amazing gracious people in our community have been doing that three times a week. The laundry gets done when it gets done. We hired someone, and we will again I hope, to clean the house. And I have help scheduled until the end of May. All of this has allowed me one thing...time for Salem. Not time for me. I think there's always an inner fight, even when you really really want something, to have freedom for YOU. Even though I loooove Salem and having a son and a new baby...the flesh in me sometimes pushes back at motherhood, scrambling for that me time that I think will be so fulfilling. And I have to constantly remember that this little being loves me so much and needs me so much and that this short season of "velcro baby" is a time for me to give all of me away. It is so not easy. But it's actually amazing. And if I can push through my selfish view to see God's view of him and my heart then I can treasure this time and not be pushing back, pushing back, pushing back. The nurse the other day asked if I was going to go back to work. I laughed and said, "That would be the easy thing! This is the most demanding job in the world, but I love it." More on that thought later ;).
So we're approaching six weeks. I'm thankful. I'm tired. I'm in need of lots of grace. I've had lots of smiles and joys and also lots of tears. But these three "arrows in my quiver" are crazy wonderful and we're doing pretty good.