Monday, February 23, 2009

The Mars Hill Blog | Blog Archive » “Stop talking about Jesus”

The Mars Hill Blog | Blog Archive » “Stop talking about Jesus”

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A wedged prego, a danish, and more from this week

Grace mystified us yet again with her eating by deciding she liked GREEN BEANS and totally giving us the “I’d rather starve until my next meal” look at a sweet danish. That’s pretty good proof that if I go crazy in this process of feeding her, there are good reasons why.

I was reminded this week of a funny thing about my sweet boy Jason. He has no idea HOW to whisper. It’s not that he doesn’t want to. I really think he doesn’t know how to do it! I usually laugh about this every few weeks in church when I am shushing him during the service repeatedly.

Kanah is getting little phrases down for words that we usually say together like “lamb-y and blanket,” “mama and dada,” etc. She’s suddenly in the past couple of weeks using two word phrases like crazy. One of my favorites was about a week or so ago when Grace was banging on a kids’ table in our living room and from across the room Kanah yelled “farful dace!!!” which means “careful grace!” So cute.

Random thought from this week. On Sunday my pastor was talking about the sixties and it hit me: The sixties were almost FIFTY years ago! Isn’t that strange???

Skinny minny Gracie bear has stretched just tall enough now that she can reach door handles. She’s a little thing but she’s getting some length on her and now loves to open and close doors all the time. I feel another trip to Babies R Us coming on!

And for the last look at my I went to a doctor’s appointment and came across a great space in the parking lot by the elevator. It was between two cars already parked and was labeled “compact.” I usually ignore that warning and it’s usually okay. As I pull in to a compact on any regular non-34-week-pregnancy-day I can usually size up the tight space I will have to open my door and feel okay about it. Today however I must have been thinking of another version of myself because I pulled in, opened the door to see I’d have about 8 inches to slide through and thrust myself through that space. Yes, you can guess. I got wedged in. And there was no twisting or turning to get through because at every angle I am huge right now. And there’s no sucking in either! Anyhow, eventually, without causing any damage thankfully I wiggled through. But I kept wondering who might be laughing at me up through the building windows – I would be if I saw a prego wedged between two cars!!

Those are the highlights. I think I’ll keep this up every week – it’s a good way to start my writing nights.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Babymoon Thoughts

Thoughts coming home from our babymoon at Christopher’s Woodlands B&B:

Flowers have a divine ability to lighten your spirit. Thanks babe for my roses. I loved the colors especially.

Being away from my children for short periods of time makes me want and wish to be with them again and refreshes my delight over them.

The one thing I will look forward to after this pregnancy is not having that light-headed numbness in my body, as if I can’t locate where my circulation is being cut off.

Eggs benedict with potatoes and fresh juice really is the best surprise Jason and I could have for breakfast.

I think now I want a king sized bed, although I don’t like not being able to find Jason in the middle of the night.

Jason and I are addicted to white noise permanently now. I prefer absolute quiet but if I hear any footsteps or car engines (or especially the darn pigeons that perch on our roof) or anything else, I’d prefer a really loud fan. I even brought our sound machine on our trip but the bathroom fan was like a jet engine, so it was literally on the entire 24 hours we were here.

Footstools are a very cool addition to a set of chairs to read in. I think I like them more than ottomans.

When Jason and I get away to relax, instead of having a lot of energy, I think our body realizes it gets to chill and we both get very sleepy – a sensation like we’ve been in a hot sauna for an hour and can’t lift our heavy limbs. I always want to be awake and read and write, etc on trips like this but inevitably every time I take a long drowsy nap and go to bed early.

It’s amazingly unbelievable how hard you work as a parent. I don’t realize it until I have a weekend like this with nothing to do on the agenda and remember that our lives used to be like this every single weekend (if we chose) when we were married without kids.

My spirit needs retreats.

In six weeks I am going to have three kids. THREE kids. Still can’t believe that. When I just turned 28 and longed for a baby and never thought I’d get to have one before I was 30, I would have never imagined having three at that age. 30 with 3 kids. Two girls and one boy. All under age two. THREE kids.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

9 Looks at my week

1. jason booked our valentines day weekend at one of my favorite bed and breakfasts in the NW, Christopher's Woodlands, in BC. we've been once before and it's going to be so worth the 3+ hour drive up there. plus, i won't be busting out of my seatbeat to pick up sippy cups or "lamby" or "ella" so i'll be a happy highway passenger.
2. i am so blessed to have women in my life. i posted 10 questions on our church's website, "the city", about raising girls at this age, working out, etc. and so many of them got back to me. two gals met me at church with bags in hand with ideas and others wrote me. what a gift to be in community.
3. my question in my mind for the next week (until i meet with my accountability group again) is this: how do you balance having a good understanding of the soveriegnty of God and trusting his purposes above what we can see with prayer and asking God for what our desires are. if you have insight or direction, post away.
4. jason works at starbucks corporate, where today 10% of jobs were cut. jason was BLESSED today with not only being able to stay with starbucks but move into a job he has been hoping for. i am baffled by GOD'S GRACE.
5. thought of the week: on sunday our pastor, mark driscoll, was talking about the authority of the Word. he got to talking about preaching and how today it's not as honored by culture and even churches. but it's important for "the church" (christians) to place themselves under the authority of preaching because we are submitting ourselves humbly before God's Word as it is taught and communicated into our hearts. i have been asked before by some christians why it's important to go to church at all and this is one of the reasons. taking yourself out from under the preaching of the true gospel is an act of pride.
6. i had my last perinatologist appt last wednesday for this pregnancy and baby boy is baking up good! he was 4 lbs 10 oz. i will be 33 weeks prego on saturday, which means i only have SIX MORE WEEKS. ahh!!!
7. we went to hang out with a neighbor friend on tuesday to drop off a shower gift and i realized as we were talking that i spend 95% of my time with people i think exactly alike and i need to get out more to spend time with other women in my neighborhood/culture.
8. on a more shallow note...i am really excited for american idol to almost be down to the top 24.
9. i am going to make this one the last one b/c i can hear gracie bear is awake...i am about to go to north bend with the girls to enjoy the sunshine, eat a kids meal, and walk the outlets to find a gift for baby Ava and probably some other upcoming gifts i have forgotten about. can't wait for my date with my kanah and my grace!

Monday, February 2, 2009

All my kids are adopted: Adoption Post #1

i never had a close friend growing up who was adopted. i did have one cousin who was, but because no one ever harped on it, it felt just the same to me. i think the first time adoption came close to a personal meaning for me was when i was getting married. i was trying to figure out how to honor my stepdad andy at the wedding. as it turns out i think i didn't give him the honor he deserved. dad walked me down the aisle and then i stopped at the end, andy stepped out to kiss me, and then he went back to his pew. that didn't show him justice. though i had a dad, andy really raised me and chose to be in my life for every single day of it. when he met my mom, i was the extra paragraph in small print that was going to make their marriage totally different. he married her, quite able to read small fonts. and he liked the deal. i didn't realize it was like i had been adopted until later, like twenty years later. and i really have a crazy respect now for men who marry single moms.

as jason and i looked towards having kids i went through a lot of phases. the first being "no way. i am not ready. i don't think i want to stay at home. and i really can't see myself with kids. but i really want to do all that later." then (thanks to our church) it looked more like, "i would like to be ready. being a mom and raising kids is a beautiful honor, like a crown on a woman's life." then it changed to, "is it now? do i have a heart for this? lord, where is my heart? can i see myself as a mom?" then finally, "please lord, this is my desire: for children and to be at home with them." it's totally wacky and surprising how the first and last quote are both from me.

even when i mentally finally caught up with my husband (because of the Holy Spirit, my faithful counselor), who had patiently endured a couple years of waiting, my thoughts around natural and adopted kids were totally different. and i think most people don't move from what i am about to describe. somewhere in my head i wanted to adopt. but it was kind of a last resort, a nice faraway goal, an eventual decision and an afterthought of our own childrearing of blood born children. but interestingly trying for our own child was very much in the forefront and preferred, i guess is the right word. now i should mention something at this moment. i don't think it's wrong to want your own kids and to have a desire for them. don't hear that. i just think it is interesting how we all think they are so different from adopted kids. the sidenote big picture being that we are called to all things, whether "our own" kids or "adopted" kids or to not get to have kids at all. so it's important to be prayerful. yet the heart for "our own" kids from "adopted" kids can be so so not the same. and mine was for sure.

when did this change? well, jason and i did want both. we wanted to try for our own, like most couples. and down the road we've always felt like we would adopt one. when we got pregnant with the girls i began to understand that the whole "our own" and "adopted" mentalities were actually...not far from being the same at all. when the girls were in the womb i could not see them. i could feel their movements. i could sense them physically. i could pray for them. but i did not know them. i couldn't see them or cuddle them. i didn't know what they would look like or act like or what our relationship with them would be like.

and the day they were born...was not their first day of life. they had already been living for nine months, just smaller. they were already around. i had just not met them yet and officially said, "hi i'm your mama." and one day, what we would call their birthday, i got to meet them. it actually felt like adoption. it felt like jason brought a crying kanah (she was first) over to my face and said "this will be your daughter." and i looked over at her, crying, like, who are you little one? you are such a beautiful creation? i wanted to know all about the girls in those moments but it felt like a rushed introduction to who they were. and they were such a mystery to me. some moms have said to me that you will just feel that instant connection. i partly agree with them. there is that moment of awe when you see your own child after birth and you just can't believe they are yours but somehow you know they are yours. but is this because they came out of my body? or because God gave me a huge heart for them? i think the latter myself. because i have never met this person!

but really, more than this instant connection thing, i really really really kind of "got" the whole "our own" kids sort of is the same as "adopted" kids during this time, at the very beginning of being a mom to kanah and grace. these two little beings literally felt like they showed up into my life and i had to get to know everything about them. they were kind of little strangers to me.

there's another evidence to me of this. and i don't know about other moms, but even though i was in awe of the girls from the beginning and certainly loved them, i cannot even compare the love i had then for them to the love i have now for them. i certainly loved them, but now i am love them more fiercely and madly. it reminds me of the verse that we had read at our wedding. 1 Thessalonians 3:12 "may the Lord make your love increase and overflow for one another." i really feel like what began as root and foundational love for my daughters, established by the heart of God, became an increasing and overflowing love for them because God keeps growing my heart for them. it's insanely beautiful and cool. i remember when i was in the "can i see myself as a mom?" stage of pre-motherhood, i didn't know if i would love my children enough. i think the Lord takes care of this for us. there was evidence of this for me with the birth of my daughters and i believe there is the same evidence of this for adopting parents, so i won't fear the day we adopt a child.

regarding the title of this post, and to wrap this up for now, i really do believe that all of my kids both present and future are adopted. i really really believe God has evened out in my heart any differences i saw in my "own" kids verses our "adopted" kids. they are all adopted. they are/will all be given over to our care. we are their caretakers and they belong to God. and God made them (psalm 139). he loves them way more than me - which i can't get my head around - and i honor him by loving his kids. he lets me call them "mine" and entrusts them to me. i am so thankful God has worked on my brain with this because i do want to adopt and pray with all my heart that the Lord will move many families around us to do the same - since all these kids - "ours" and the "adopted" are the same. God this is so cool. and i want to keep understanding your heart.

"but when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his son, born of woman, born of the law, to redeem those under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. and because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his son into our hearts, crying, 'Abba! Father!'" galatians 4.

Eleven looks at my week

1. kanah and grace now say "hey baby" on a regular basis.
2. christmas on a random day for me is coming downstairs to a clean kitchen from my hubby's hard work the night before - thanks j.
3. the girls say "hand" a lot during meals which means, "mama, my hands have a small speck of food on them that needs desperately and immediately wiped off".
4. i finally figured out how to handle kanah's POOF hair in the back, thanks to products.
5. i am reading Humility, by cd mahaney, and it is blowing my mind. i think it's now my #2 next to All of Grace, by spurgeon.
6. i went bathing suit shopping on the day i turned 31 weeks pregnant. and don't picture 31 weeks, picture 40 instead b/c that's how i look. and yes i did find one. no not for now. for eight months from now. i know. jason is still confused too.
7. i have had a writing block for about two months now and i just realized that it's really irritating.
8. last sunday jason did his usual lean foward in his chair in church, wiggling his back so i would scratch it. i love that.
9. i just started doing "verse art" with my girls in a drawing pad. i pick verses from proverbs that have good word pictures and we draw together while i talk. it's priceless to me
10. i am reading Don't Make Me Count to Three. everyone should follow suit who hasn't.
11. the most important thing i learned this week: "We have this joy of bringing to the attention of every christian in our relational world how we perceive God to be at work in their lives. we get to enter their lives, discern how God is actively present, draw attention to that, and then celebrate it! and so we leave behind a soul that has been built up and's the humble who are perceptive; they're skilled in discerning the work of God in others because they care about others and want to serve others."