What to order, what to order

So it turns out that it’s really hard to be on a diet. My diet isn’t even hard core. It is to eat generally healthy foods, stay away from coke, workout three times a week, and I can cheat when I get desperate (as long as I don’t get desperate everyday, which seems to be the tendency). This sounds like a lenient plan to some diet professionals. I know, right?

But it’s like my body is afraid to starve and I sort of go into gorge mode, thinking if I don’t eat right now when I’m hungry, I will never get to eat. And eating in that moment, whatever is conveniently in front of me, is all I can focus on. The only thing that has saved me a few times this week was my previously sliced bell peppers and handy, yummy chef salad ingredients.

And oddly enough out of all the things that are difficult about being on a diet, you wouldn’t think that beverages would be up there on the temptation scale, would you? But yes, coke and coffee drinks have been two of my biggest desperations this week. What totally sank me was when Jason came home with a 24 pack of bottled cokes. Bottled. Canned is a nice temptation but bottled…you might as well throw five pounds on the scale, throw in some snickers for that perfect flavor companion, and scratch the word diet out of my life. It’s all over. I mean, he did it to be sweet b/c a few weeks ago I had asked if we could have them at my birthday party and he had sort of forgotten, so he was trying to make up for it. But he didn’t know I was on a diet, probably because I randomly, impulsively decided I was sick of my general laziness about health, my current body physique and the comments I was getting on it, so I probably hadn’t even mentioned it to him yet.

Tonight we were at Red Robin. (Need I write more?) I was rather proud of myself for quickly, decisively ordering an ice water. I usually get a cherry coke. Jason asked if we wanted an appetizer, eyeing the onion ring tower at the table next to us. It did look good. All I wanted now was an onion ring tower. Why couldn’t I just have my onion ring tower??!! Finally, keeping my food sanity, I reminded him, No babe I can’t eat onion that onion ring tower of goodness. I am on a diet. Ah. Success. And then in a perfect follow up move, I ordered the fajita fiesta pollo salad. It was actually very healthy and vegetable-y and yummy. But all through dinner the smell of Jason’s French fries wafted through the air and I ended up eating about four. And let’s be honest, of course I dipped them in the ranch and also the honey poppy seed dressings. Oh me. Well at least it’s not as bad as me ordering a burger with fries there like I normally do. This was definitely a diet dinner for Kelly, not for real dieters – I am aware, but I am glad I stuck with my game-plan.

Last night as I was finishing up cooking dinner, (which, incidentally, was stuffed green peppers) I burned myself a little on a hot dish. It actually didn’t really hurt, but the shock of the heat sent me bursting into tears. I stared at Jason across the room and kind of laughed between sobs. He thought I had really burned myself. I hadn’t. I had just gone kind of crazy and that burn was the moment I let the crazed feelings let loose. I realize that a lot of my issue with food is that I am carrying around a bunch of anxiety. And I’ve got to just take captive this wild impulsive desperations to eat snacks that say they will make me feel better. And these wild thoughts that convince me if I don’t eat those cheese-it’s (or whatever) then I won’t eat for three days. So I know this involves the Lord, who loves me, and is kind of pointing out ever so gently – Hey Kel, let me teach you about self-control because I’ve got that down.

So that’s the deal with the first three days of my diet. I don’t exactly cruise into new challenges all chill. I feel like I made this decision to go on a quote diet and as soon as I stepped out onto that shaky ground I just started flailing and freaking out and clamoring for the sidelines. I just need to chill out. Get some self control from the Spirit. And eat some healthy treats. Who knows, I might start to crave them. And I might start to scrunch my nose at French fries (highly unlikely). And maybe one day down the road, the way I am choosing to eat now won’t even be called “me on a diet” anymore…it will just be…me eating :).