Behold

I couldn't put my finger on it last night. My poor husband. From a white wicker rocking chair at dusk I tried to explain that I didn't feel right. It had been a beautiful day. My spirits were lifted by the weather this week. We had had a nice day. Granted conversations weren't perfect here and there, but we had enjoyed our time together as a family. I just didn't understand my own need. I needed space. Yet I needed intimacy. I could sense a slight despair in him as he looked at me, trying to discern me asking him to leave me alone and be intimate with me in the same breath.



Sometimes I think this is being a woman. In P.S. I Love You, a movie I saw recently, the main character was talking with a friend about giving him the secret to what women want. She finally leaned in and said, "We have no idea!" and laughed. I kind of leaned in, inwardly, when she was about to say it, like, yeah what do I want? And when she said that it made all the more sense that I didn't know what she was about to say. I felt this last night. Yet it feels very real all at once. Sometimes women are almost too keenly aware I think of the longing for what we do not yet have. What as a Christian I would call our redemption. In other words: we wait for what we are going to become when God finally strips away all of the yuck of who we are and and only the new heart, the new creation remains. Romans 8 says this:



"For I consider that our present sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility (frustration), not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is not seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."



I've read this passage of Scripture many times feeling very confused with its meaning. Recently the Spirit read it to me instead of me reading it to me. And it reached my heart with its meaning and it meets me again today. In this fallen world and life the creation and all of us combined daily live in frustration. Nothing works. Everything breaks. We think we're happy, then we're not. To find something that lasts is rare. We are subjected to frustration. This frustration makes us groan. What we groan for is God to free us into what he has declared us to be. And we groan for God himself. For that intimacy with him that we will experience in heaven, which is the pinnacle of enjoyment for us.



Today on the way to church Jason prayed for my heart so that I could worship in church. The sun was out again. We had great plans for the day ahead. There was no reason to be downcast inside my heart. We dropped the girls off in nursery and sat in the back since church was so packed. We sang a couple of songs and then settled in for Mark's last sermon of the membership series, which was on the Kingdom of Heaven.



When my pastor speaks I don't know where the hour goes and I don't care. And even today, without the air conditioning and only one big fan blowing to cool down all 200 of us, I had no idea I was sweaty. I cried about five times during the sermon. Many times when I tear up at church it is because the sermon speaks directly into something I am currently learning or questioning. Today it was a little different. I think it spoke to my silent groans.



Mark went through Revelation, revealing what the Kingdom of Heaven will be like and who Jesus is today. Revelation reveals Jesus as leading an army on a white horse, with a white robe dipped in blood, and a tatoo on his thigh declaring he is King of Kings and Lord of Lords as he crushes those who insist on evil. He is shown to bring justice in a way that we initially cringe about but somewhere deep within we have a profound sense of gratefulness that there will indeed be justice in the end for all the evil that has tormented since the fall of mankind. My heart both feared him in that moment as Mark read, and desired to be under his shadow, to be the one defended with perfect justice as by a perfect Father. Within just one more chapter this same Jesus is also shown to be the One sitting on the throne declaring,



"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away...Behold, I am making all things new...It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son."



I teared most of all when I read the part I highlighted. I was completely moved. This Jesus wants to make a kingdom for us to dwell with him. He has invited us to live with him. And it is a place of perfect peace because he will have cast out everything that would mean to harm, including my own old heart. I will be redeemed and so will everyone else there. There will be perfect relationship. I will not linger on words from others that felt sideways or regret so much of what I think and say in return. I will be in perfect relationship with God and man and we will dwell there forever. I did not wake up hoping for this sermon. If you had asked me if hearing about this today would change my heart's disposition today, I would have probably felt it was irrelevant. This is because I do not know what I need. I do not know what I want. I do not know what heals even this vague groaning. What I did learn today, besides what heaven will be like, is that the Word of God revives me. Psalm 19 says that the Word revives the soul and rejoices the heart. And the ultimate truth in this is that the Word of God is not just some sentences God had man write down. The Word of God is Jesus Christ himself. "...and the name by which he is called is The Word of God." (Rev 19:13).



Thank you Jesus. Surely I did not know what I needed today or what these groans in my heart might mean. But you knew I needed you. When I inwardly groan may I know and remember that they are the mark that I am in waiting. Waiting for the blessed hope, My Redeemer and his glorious redemption of my soul. Amen.