Swept

breakfast tastes good. redmond's outdoor seating version of an issaquah favorite is turning out great for us. i spend half my morning gazing on the red potatoes smothered in melted cheddar goodness and the other half gazing into her brown eyes. soon i feel like i am staring straight into the heart of zimbabwe, which makes me want to stop eating. she talks with fork down and eyes racing. "...do something...write congressmen...spend my free time...research..." silly restaurant porch with pots of lobelia and geraniums. food is good. but who cares. i feel swept momentarily. like a wind that comes up behind you like a rough shove. i want to help. i can't help. i want to do what she's doing. i can't, i already have commitments. i want to know what's going on. i don't want to know because it's too overwhelming. my responses don't make it to life. i put zimbabwe up on a shelf.

sweet family hosting mexican sits across from us. it's one of those tables from pottery barn that's sqare but elevated more like stool level. little jalopeno bacon boats pass between hands and are eaten between words like "adoption" and "china" and "sex trade." the little one who it's all about sits there with a sweetness that makes me want to jump ship straight for this whole business. "...only 2% adopted...at 14 the sex trade waits for them at the door...the restrictions are high...why aren't christians adopting..." i feel swept. my scrapbooking and gardening and writing are all begging me to be replaced with more hugs and diapers. i want to do it now. i can't do it now. we want more kids. but what about those kids. they need mamas and daddys. but i've got to be called. my responses don't make it to life. my china daughters are gently napping up on a shelf in zimbabwe.

i sit in a circle of a greatness i trust. i drink lemonade on the rocks and coffee drowned in creamer because i usually insist on multiple beverages. words fly back and forth between lips dipped in a holy wisdom. i raise my request. do i or don't i teach. they come into my mind. the ones looking for truth, looking for life, looking for community. names on my list flood my mind. "...we need more groups in the fall...many women need to be connected...more leaders..." i feel swept. heart beating. teaching already organizing in my mind. i want to say yes and teach. no i don't want to do it. it's what i am supposed to do - this is easy to see. this is not easy to see - i am eating off a full plate. when i teach i am alive. if i teach just to teach i will feel dead. my responses don't make it to life. i must for now let my teaching hang with china daughters in zimbabwe.

Proverbs 18:13 "He who answers before listening - that is his folly and shame."

Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Proverbs 20:24 "A man's steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?"