My Joys

I went to Target with my baby girls. You both sat in the shopping cart in the back since you both can’t fit in the front together anymore without your legs getting squished. You can’t stay sitting down in the back though; it’s too exciting rolling through all the aisles. Your little arms reach straight out to feel along the racks as we pass by. If I dare to stop I turn to find about eight blue t-shirts pulled down in a pile, one of them triumphantly waving over your head. You get mad when I put them back without leaving one in the cart. We headed to your section of the store. We no longer find the littlest clothes. We have moved on to the little girl clothes. I found you some new jeans, about six months smaller than you are but they look perfect. A little purple and blue owl print shirt and a green and white polka dot shirt catch my eye. But we’re headed for the mountains today and you’re out of clothes so I’ve got to keep looking for warmer clothes. I have never bought you jackets. They looked like something for school age kids. I didn’t think I would be able to find your size but when I did it seemed like both of you could climb into it. But again it was six months younger than you little munchkins and yes it was going to fit. You were going to look like twin marshmellows...but they were going to fit. Both had little furry hoods. I had also found the sweetest plum purple peacoats, but decided daddy would think the heavier winter coats more practical. Maybe the peacoats for another day. You also needed shoes. After another pile pickup and a small tantrum over a mess of some kind of glittery white tutu skirts, we found the most perfect little white tennis shoes. These felt like your first official shoes even though you’ve been wearing them for months. Size fours. A little big but with the velcro we could make these last until summer I think.

On your first day in Whistler when we decided to go on a hike your outfits all came together and I nearly cried. You wore white turtlenecks with jeans and your new tennis shoes. Both of you really were interested in getting them on and sporting them around the living room like big girls, all proud. You would kick up the heel, step back, looking down to admire your new gear. Then we put your new jackets on and the hit of the new attire was the furry hood. Isn’t it for all women? Miss Glory began to press her lips against it like it was a new stuffed animal, kind of wrapping her lips around it and then sitting up to look at it again before she nose-dived to nuzzle it again. But when I thought I couldn’t stare any more motherly at you, your aunt asked if she could do your hair. I went and got the tiny little hair ties and watched as she brushed your hair, parted it down the middle, and made you the cutest little baby girl hairdo’s I’ve ever seen. Glory girl had bushy pigtails high up on the back of your head, one tail frizzy and full while the other one was sticking out straight in every direction. And little Beauty had low lying little pigtails since most of your hair falls straight at the bottom and is sparse on top.

I felt like a seasoned mother, the way I sat still on that sofa looking you both up and down while all gawked around you. You looked so tall, even though you are only in the 3rd percentile compared to other kids. I never knew one and a half year olds could look this big. Your new outfit might as well have been a cap and gown. I’m sure I’ll sit still, glowingly, at your first day at a class, and your first day at preschool, and your first day at a sports game, and the first time you make a real friend, and the first time you ride a bike and bring home an art project and on and on. You are eighteen months and that same stillness will rise up in me so many times to come and I really don’t know if I can bear it. It is both an awe at who you have become and what you are able to do. And also a small sadness that, I suppose without my knowing, I have passed into being the mother of an older child. But it isn’t only sadness. It is also a great joy in getting to be a part of the best thing I can imagine – watching my children grow.

When you were younger I wrote in your journals something that you can find in the Bible later. Paul, a great man you will read more about, loved this group of people that Jesus gave him a big heart for. And when he talked about them, it reminds me of how I feel about you when I sat there on that couch, pigtails flying and little furry hoods flopping about. This is what he said about them and what I say about you, my little loves, “You are my joy and my crown, my glorious ones in whom is all my delight.” Getting to be your mama, to get the pleasure of knowing you, is my joy and my crown. This means that God has bestowed on me the beauty of mothering you and because he made you as beautiful and wonderful as you are in his image, you are a crown on my head. Don’t you see, loves, the honor you have in my life? I have no greater honor than being around you. Than being home with you and playing with you and hugging you when you are sad and serving all your needs, even the smelly ones. You are my joy and my crown. And you are my glorious ones in whom is all my delight. Because God created you and formed our relationship, he tells me to take joy and delight in the role he has given me in your life. And as I love you and enjoy you to pieces, he is honored because I am being the woman I was designed to be. So this is my joy and today as I delighted in who you have become, my little lady babies turned lady girls, I rejoice and praise God for you.