Stay

I saw a goat on a farm today, off of Issaquah Fall City Road. His noggin was pressed under the fence with his heiny awkwardly perched up in the air and front limbs bent underneath themselves. He was eating some grass from under the gate. But he looked so strange, in such an unusual position and all.

I don't know why it got me thinking about my hang up on "calling" lately. I think some people really live by calling and some people make up their own callings. I feel like when we try to make up our own calling we're like that goat, getting ourselves in the most silly of positions just so we can get what we want out of life. I mean, it’s so easy to make our own callings, right? Tired of where you live? Move. Hate your job? Quit. Relationships are hard? Don’t deal with them. I think the goat in me wants to live that way. But yuck. Who wants to be a goat. I want to live a life worthy of the calling I have received. That is the heart Jesus put in me when he carved out my goat’s heart eighteen years ago.

But how do we recognize a calling as being different from what we are just choosing? When should we beware of speaking for God? What if we feel called in general, like something is supposed to be in our lives, but the timing hasn’t come along yet? Does that make the calling seem less valid?

I haven't read Oswald Chambers in years. It used to be my favorite devotional, well my only devotional. I don't love them. I happened upon his September 29th entree. Here are some selections:

"We are apt to forget the mystical, supernatural touch of God. If you can tell me where you got the call of God and all about it, I question whether you have ever had a call. The call of God does not come like that, it is much more supernatural. The realization of it in a man’s life may come w/ a sudden thunder clap or with a gradual dawning, but in whatever way it comes, it comes with the undercurrent of the supernatural, something that cannot be put into words; it is always accompanied with a glow. At any given moment there may break the sudden consiousness of this incalculable, supernatural, surprising call that has taken hold of your life – “I have chosen you.” If a man or woman is called of God, it does not matter how untoward circumstances are, every force that has been at work will tell for God’s purpose in the end. If you agree with God’s purpose He will bring not only your conscious life, but all the deeper regions of your life which you cannot get at, into harmony.”

Missing home. That's what started this month or two long journey of thoughts through what our calling is right now. I felt myself caring more about the missing than the calling. I felt my rebellion. I was pushing something out of my mind, outside the sphere things I nurture in my life. Like I was loosely allowing some disorder so I could let myself taste what it would be like to think about leaving. I allowed, even welcomed, any agreement to confirm my distaste for staying. The missing felt like it fed something in me that I hadn’t allowed to eat in a while. So I gorged myself on it. I felt the tray being taken away a couple of times and I clamored for it back. I ate the missing and got sick on it. For one month. I don’t think it’s wrong to miss. Or even wrong to hope my calling changes one day and to wonder what God has. As long as I can be all here as long as he has me here. Paul prayed and hoped he would get to return places to people he loved. But in the obsession of missing I felt like that goat on the fence. Not wanting to sit upright. Stubbornly crouched, awkwardly munching on a patch underneath the other side of the fence.

The staying was too hard. Staying. Isn't the idea of "staying" sometimes the most difficult idea we can think of? Staying in a job that is so boring. Staying at home when the world seems so alluring. Staying in a marriage because God is asking you to be faithful. Staying in a city because God loves it even though you don't, like Jonah. Staying...right where you are. I see many people who can't stay. They know somewhere inside that they are running. And the staying is just the most painful thing they would have to do because...they might have to grow. They might have to learn what it means to persevere. They might have to be humble. They might have to learn patience. And that all feels painful. This is true. God told us in Hebrews that his discipline might feel painful but in the end it brings a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. But in staying these places in you that make you wonder about moving about and wondering about your calling seem hard to satisfy.

I like that Oswald described places “you cannot get at.” I have places like that. But isn’t it funny that these places can get at me. They come out of the deep and visit me and remind me of parts of me that are not yet understood and discovered. They find me and sit at my roots and have little chats with me and I wonder and wonder. How is it then that I cannot get at them? I can’t seem to ask these places questions or visit them. I can’t make them go away. There is one passage of Scripture that gets at these places in me. I can’t believe how directly it addresses this unknowing I constantly feel. This wondering about life and answers and calling and purpose.

1 Corinthians 13:12 "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

I cannot get at my whole heart. I cannot get at all the confusion in my heart sometimes. I cannot get the fullness of God. I see and know in part. The faithful Holy Spirit illuminates as needed. And I trust, fully, for the seen and unseen, for the parts I know and the parts I do not. I am fully known though I do not know fully. Being fully known, do I understand this? If I am fully known then what I am reading says I am not capable of getting it but there is someone who does. And it's God my Father. He wove my calling. I see it in part. I can't quite get at it. But instead of being a goat, Scripture gives me another way to be. John 10:27 "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand."

In the mix of places in me that I can't get at and longings to do different things and the missing of familiar places, there is much confusion about this whole calling thing. But I believe Jesus. He speaks. I may not know all of me. But he knows me. I may not hear well. But his voice speaks to me and he makes me hear him. He is who I need to follow. And if I listen and walk, I cannot be snatched away. Or stay in confusion. Or get lost. Or find myself in a selfish game of calling myself. All these places I can't get at, will be in harmony.

That sounds right to me. So for now I'm going to stay.