Homemade Schmomade

The girls' birthday is April 25th. Last year we did the ladybug theme since we called them the "lady babies" all year long. I made homemade ladybug invitations, Jason helped me design ladybug cupcakes, we had ladybug balloons and I even found some dresses with ladybugs from Gymboree. I loved the party with just close friends and family and it was a beautiful 70 degree weather day so we spent it in the backyard. I was so satisfied and happy about it...but for certain the days leading up to it I was a little bit of a stress ball.

Trying to make something just the way I envision it isn't fun for me. I wish I could skip along in the joy of creating and perfecting and using my ideas to make something beautiful...but the making of it is actually miserable for me at times. You kind of get these little dreams for what you want for your kids (or this can apply to anything for that matter) and you just feel like you have to do things a certain way or else it's all crap.

The heart behind the envisioning big things is that I really love the idea of LEGACY for our family. In little ways I pursue this with scrapbooking, writing in the girls' journals, making our family tree, saving emails and cards, videotaping, getting better and better at photography, treasuring words and tones in the girls' voices, etc. I don't just see living life with my husband and girls as something that is for just today, but as stones building into something beautiful for generations to come. There are definitely healthy ways to view legacy, just read psalms. It's chocked full of verses about telling remembering the Lord and telling the generations to come of his goodness in your life.

But my love for legacy sometimes turns into a performance issue and ultimately is my heart wanting our family to be perfect. This is when I know I've scooted off the godly path and have found myself in a muck of stress over what I simply cannot pull off. And not being able to pull something off either 1. strikes me as normal because i listen to those voices convincing me i'm not capable of much or 2. really disappoints me and is hard to let go of and to separate that from my true reputation and my true identity.

As most of you with daily planners or iphones (or whatever the heck those things are) know is that we are nearing April 25th again. If you didn't know, it's coming. Just pretend it's an important date for you like it is for me and pencil it in ;). So even though I AM ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY IN FIVE DAYS, last night i pulled out a bunch of cardstock and circular cutters and tissue and brads and planned on trying to come up with a creative sample for the girls' birthday cards. My back was beat. My belly was tight and achy. And the thought of creating made me want to cry. But I pushed on. I got halfway through a sample, of sorts, of two elephant heads and stopped. Seriously what the heck am I doing? Yes good question. My friend had just emailed me earlier in the day begging me to get Target's cute already made invites for the girls' party and I pridefully trudged on with my banner of excellence, determined to knock down my endless obstacles like final days of pregnancy, loving Jason instead, finishing desperately important more projects around the house before baby, and just RESTING for goodness sakes!

I realized the only two reasons I was pushing myself were 1. pride in my mommy performance and how delighted all would be in my amazing card making talents. and 2. the sounds of my girls' voices one day far off from now in amazement as they poured over their baby scrapbooks asking me, "Wow mom, did you make our invitations yourself?" HA HA HA. I suddenly realized staring at the distorted, not so magnificent elephant heads that it was quite hilarious that I might expect that out of my girls. I mean, I can't imagine ALL OF THE WAYS i have completely overlooked countless acts of love from my own mother. How many will they also naively overlook of mine? A lot of them! Yeeeeah...so why am I doing this tonight when I need to REST?

So on to the confirmation. I read two blogs today that also encouraged me that I needed to confess pride, throw my hands delightedly in the air, and appreciate Target's creative department. The first talked about how motherhood should consume the majority of our time and attention and she was encouraging especially mamas to little ones to be willing to clear away all distractions and to acknowledge that there is a season for everything and the time to train our children is NOW. This ministered to me because I am baking a baby! Baking is a lot of work and doing that alongside of loving my husband like I need to and training little Kanah and Grace is a FULL PLATE. I need to acknowledge this and not try to press a thousand little extras into the equation. The other blog talked about not trying to be the "most" at things because really most times underneath is a pride that desires to elevate self and belittle everyone else. I was encouraged that when we want to accomplish things we should take a look at it - am I enjoying this? am I enjoying using a gift of mine? or am I trying to be "the most ____" in order to love myself more and to want others to see me as more. It's humbling.

Grace is about to come to bed and I've got to get off the computer. To end this simply: I'm buying Target invites. I am buying a cake from a grocery store and couldn't be more excited about that. And will divy up balloons and food to gracious family members. And guess what?! I am going to rest and enjoy the five days with my husband and girls and then I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY! Let all else fall by the wayside. This is my season AND my joy. Lord help me let it all fall away.