Moms, it's Monday #2

Last Tuesday we got back from a long trip to North Carolina. My mom helped with the…interesting…(we’ll keep it at that) journey back across the country with the three little ones. She left Wednesday morning for a conference in Vancouver and I had planned to do nothing but get adjusted back to our life in Seattle and just vegetate for a day at home. Since they seemed to miss their toys, that was lovely for about two hours. We did a trip to the store, which actually was more than decent considering my cart full of children, and then headed home for …an unfortunate downhill journey.

I’m not sure why exactly. All I know is that suddenly it felt like we had been in the house ninety days straight and that daylight was thirty nine hours long. I was beginning to feel like naptime was going to be kind of crucial and don’t you know when you’re counting on something it doesn’t happen. For whatever reason, Salem would absolutely not sleep and seemed terrified for me to leave him in his room. I couldn’t figure out why but after some trying and crying it out and the usual tricks, he was awake with me again. The afternoon involved some nice moments but mostly some toddler craziness and keeping Salem up to see daddy before bedtime turned into a full time attention commitment. I remember around five just letting myself drift into a daze. And by 6:00 I am not sure I was even responding to my children anymore. Hmm. Anybody been there? I was jetlagged, somehow already had cabin fever after less than 24 hours in my house, and when Jason got home I am not even sure I looked up. I just shifted into okay-somebody-else-has-it gear and kind of shut it all down. I put Salem to bed and climbed into bed sensing that a good dose of bible reading was what I needed. I finished my day at 8:00pm, falling asleep with my clothes on and the lights on, reading I’m not sure what in my bible. I remember thinking before I went to sleep, I cannot have a day like this tomorrow. It was one of those thoughts that felt a little bit like giving up, like if another day like that had to happen I didn’t want to do it anymore. Just being honest. It’s a low you hit when you’re just drained of all you can be. And I thought, I have to get up in the morning and have a quiet time, I just have to.

So the next morning two out of three of my children woke up at FIVE A.M. That is not fair or right or JUST. That is just evil. Jason, who loves sleep more than me, has no mercy for jet lag and carried Kanah back to bed telling her to go back to sleep believing a hundred percent that she would do so, which sort of worked for another hour, at which time I put on Cinderella for her in the playroom. I went in Salem’s room at 5, changed him in the dark, gave him some milk, and hoped that he would sense that what I was trying to get across was, “you are up too early, so go back to bed” which was the routine I did with him waaaaay back when, when we could not get over that 5:00 hump of sleeping through the night. He obliged for about an hour an a half and got up at 6:30, which made me happy b/c I had already showered and begun my quiet time. Jason took over around that time, since he likes to have the kiddos around when he gets ready, so I got back to some serious prayer and bible time.

On a morning like that, it’s not a nice little quiet time. It’s not, let’s just read some verses over and say some sweet little prayers and jot down a casual journal entry about how I am feeling today. I have been telling some of my friends lately that on days like this, the truth about whether God really really exists is seriously important to me and matters immensely in a moment where I feel like I absolutely hands down cannot do something if He does not show up and become real to me.

So that morning my bible reading wasn’t a long chapter. It was four verses. Here they are (not word for word exactly, because I don’t have a Bible nearby, but close enough to semi-quote):

Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another and forgive one another just as in Christ, God forgave you.

Colossians 1:11 May you be strengthened with all power according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience, with joy, giving thanks to the Father…”

2 Samuel 22:23 “It is God who arms me with strength.”

I read them slowly and deliberately, absorbing their truths, and then I got up with my coffee cup and slowly circled my downstairs. I like to pray and let words flow off of my tongue and just kind of get lost in talking to God about my life and our family and just letting him know my heart and trying to understand his. But that was not one of these days. It was a day of desperation for him to answer very specific prayers. Prayers that are according to his Word and according to promises he has for me.

The two Ephesians verses are commands and they feel totally beyond my capability. Be completely humble and gentle? Be patient? Be kind? Be compassionate? Not easy. Add the next two verses to the mix and then I can be hopeful about achieving the first two.

So I prayed the Ephesians verses from my viewpoint over each of my children, that with his strength and by the power of his glorious might, I might be able to be completely humble and gentle and patient, bearing with Kanah…and Grace…and Salem…in love. And that I would be kind and compassionate, forgiving Kanah…and Grace…and Salem…because God has forgiven me. These were my slow, deliberate, meditative prayers this morning at the foot of the throne of God that morning.

I am only scratching the surface to this whole idea of meditating on Scripture and particularly on the promises of God. I am beginning to respond to the Spirit as he has been guiding me lately into reading less, sitting longer, and dwelling more on what he really wants me to hear and what response I should have with my own lips.

I’m not saying some miracle happened that morning. I don’t know, maybe God would call any heart change a miracle. But what I am saying is that He compelled me to that time with him, he led me to specific instrumental Scripture both to instruct me as well as empower me, and he used the time in prayer to change my heart and to prepare me for the day ahead. A friend just gave me a verse in 1 Peter the other day about how we need to prepare our minds for action. Our actions, our behaviors, our words, our interactions begin in our minds. And that is where the Lord wanted to begin with me. And the day wasn’t perfect, but the Lord had increased something of himself in me that sustained me and convicted me when I need to be and…kind of carried me. So at the end of this day, my heart feels like doing the second half of Col 1:11, and I want to joyfully give thanks to the Father. And I want to get up again tomorrow. Because his truths are real. And prayer time does matter. And heart change does happen. And God really really exists and this matters to me immensely.