Second half of the List

This is the second half of my list of things that have been "renewed" in my mind since coming to know Jesus twenty years ago. Read the last two entries for the whole story...

Motherhood. Somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind I knew I wanted children. Jason and I got married. Never thought about it. Jason was open to kids from the beginning, but was never pushy and always open to how I was feeling convicted. One, two, three years went by and nothing changed. Neither here nor there, but mostly not on the radar and had to remind myself that at any moment it could happen to me. At some point around year four I felt compelled to really start praying about it. If you know me, you know I am incredibly intentional, a lot of times to a fault. But with decisions like this, it’s super handy! My kids will never ever wonder if they were wanted :). I like to journal so I started a new one that I called my “mom journal” and I only wrote in there when I felt the Lord teach me something new about growing my heart towards being a mom. Sometimes it was one line. Sometimes I got distracted and just wrote baby names. Sometimes after spending time with a mommy friend I would notice something about her heart and jot it down. Sometimes I avoided it. Sometimes I just prayed in it, asking God to grow my heart and help me believe Scripture’s thoughts about children. I spent one year visiting my mom journal. After that year I was totally transformed. I’m not trying to pull a testimony on you that sounds like something out of a get-saved-gospel-tent. I’m really serious. It was not overnight. It was one year. But just the same, my mind was utterly convinced. And not at my own convincing. Just by sitting with the Lord on a very specific question, He completely ministered to me and GAVE ME HIS HEART FOR BEING A MOM. It was incredible. I was no longer on the fence. It was no longer miles away. No longer in the recesses of my mind. It was a burden, a desire of my heart, and I agreed with Scripture in the most sincere way when it said things like “children are a reward.” We got pregnant quickly. And had a miscarriage. We mourned greatly for a number of months and it took about nine for us to get pregnant again. I grieve for women now who suffer infertility because those nine months were the darkest of my life and I know that many women wait for much, much longer than that, and sometimes never see another pregnancy again. God had more for me to learn, more for me to gain through suffering and loss, for his glory. And I didn’t deserve them, but then he gave us two babies at once. Sweet Kanah and Grace. And although it was a horrific pregnancy, as Jason always reminds me, I was at war for life for their lives until they came into the world. I never thought I would be “ready” for children, and I think it’s silly that any of us ever assume the superhero thought that we are “ready” for anything because we all are weak and need Jesus at every moment and turn. But HE readied me, daily. And where I began as a mother from day one was something I could have never imagined accomplishing on my own. But He so prepared me, in the Spirit.

Vocation. It took me a long time to even accept that a homemaker and stay at home mom was even a vocational calling. And the best calling for me, at that! Prior to having kids, I definitely was torn about whether or not I would go back to work. I didn’t see what the big deal was about doing one or the other. The decision more came down to whether I wanted to do it, not whether God was asking me to. I still do not see this in a black and white way and I will not get into all of my thoughts and convictions about this but generally for ME it came down to a conviction that I did not see being at home as valuable, purposeful or as a good of a use of my giftings as accomplishing something in the world. It wasn’t about money. For some women it is, and you have to work to be able to get food on the table, so I am not talking about that. We didn’t need the money from my job. For me it was about accomplishment and gifting. Maybe some women relate, because even many Christians who really love Jesus get hung up much more on having our giftings used than we do on the possibility that God might be calling us to something much more humble than saving the world. Maybe that sounds harsh, but maybe it’s that ugly for a lot of us. I really felt God grace me with an ability to SEE Proverbs 14:1 with new eyes. “The wise woman builds her house.” It took a couple of years but through many conversations, prayers, observations, sermons and just divine appointments I began to see my home and my children as having infinite value and purpose. My children are little BEINGS with SPIRITS! They have been created by God in his image and in love they have been made to be individually gifted and pursued by Him. It is an HONOR to be with them daily, to love on them, to create a home around them, to point them continually moment by moment to Truth and to both instruct and discipline them in the ways of God. It is an honor. This doesn’t mean it’s easy or that everyday feels like a gift or that I see this amazing supernatural fruit and my children are growing up to behave perfectly and that by age 2 they were Christians. Not at all. I’m saying my heart has changed. I’m saying I see God’s view of my kids, as much as my heart is able at this point. (and I hope for that to keep deepening). I’m saying I love my job. At home. With my kids. I used to say, I’m neither here nor there about it. Now I say, I can’t believe I have this honor for this brief, crucial, ever-important season in my life. I love being home to build our home, serve my husband and raise my children. It’s crazy great, no matter what kind of day it is.


My responsibility. I hate being misunderstood. It’s my biggest button. You hit that button and I start to scramble. It’s looked different over the years, for certain. Marriage has been the biggest E on the eye chart with this issue. I really like resolution. I really like to feel good at the end of a conversation. I really like to end it with a feeling of, okay they heard me, they know me a little better, and that was good. It’s very difficult for me to feel that distance, or that disagreement, or maybe even that affirmation that what I am saying resonates with the other person too. The affirmation often came up when I wanted to get something, mostly Truth, across into someone’s life. Not affirmation that my directions to the store were right or that other simple things. It was usually about something I had a conviction about. And I do think that mostly those convictions where right, if I still were to evaluate them with the discernement given me. It was just that I wanted, needed, desired too much that affirmation from another. If someone had a question or a doubt or felt stuck understanding something about the Lord or something spiritual, I felt this interesting responsibility to clarify it for them. To give them the mind of Christ. Though it was not mine to give. The Spirit teaches, counsels, gives wisdom. I obey with my words and relinquish. That was hard for me to accept. I wanted a selfish, satisfied result. Somehow I wanted that heavy responsibility. And along the way, the Spirit taught me(and still teaches me in the moment) an interesting balance between being used as an instrument for his righteousness in that moment, to whatever degree He sees fit, and then not having that urge to fix the other person. I began to have this open handed feeling with people. It felt light. It felt like…trust. I began to believe in God FOR that person. He loved them more than me, He was able to open their eyes, He could translate my broken words about His Truth and make it have total sense for them. It was up to Him to make their scales fall. I obey and relinquish. And rest in this strangely trusting, satisfied, grateful place that God wants them to get it more than me. It also helped me a lot a couple of years ago to read in some book (so much for citing the author) that Jesus was more misunderstood than any of us and that is an extreme understatement and hardly worth comparing. Jesus was never understood, never really saw for who He was, and walked with that disconnect – in every relationship – daily, his whole life and to death. And still even those of us who know Him, and I speak for myself here but assume for most all of us, we always kind of think we understand His heart. But there’s always more. Who has understood the mind of the Lord, asks Job and Isaiah. We are but dust. He gives us the mind of Christ, and enables us to understand spiritual things, but we are just on the brink of the canyon of God. He is so wide and deep and vast and awe-inspiring. We just admire from the shore and understand the ocean by the waves crashing into our lives. Jesus being so infinitely misunderstood by believers and non helped me accept that sense of being misunderstood myself. And to trust that HE KNEW ME. And that that was enough.

The Gospel. I grew up hearing lots of people saying that you need to preach the gospel to yourself everyday. That is so awesome. That is so true. And I so didn’t get that at all. I am sure I even said it a lot. But I am pretty sure I had no idea what I was talking about! I think I still mostly thought the gospel was about salvation. I mostly thought it was for non-believers and that I already accepted the gospel, so now I moved on to looking like a Christian. But it turns out that it’s impossible to look like Jesus without the gospel daily preached to my heart, so it mostly didn’t go over well and looked Pharisaical most of the time. Yes, the gospel is about salvation. If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, then you will be saved. Romans 10:9-10. Amen. Beautiful gospel. I did that, I confessed that at age 12 at Ocean Isle Beach in North Carolina. So what’s the gospel after that? It’s what Jesus has accomplished for me, working itself out over and over and over with grace upon grace upon grace, for me a sinner from the time I am scooped up and saved until I go to be with him in glory. Everyday preaching myself the gospel just means acknowledging that I am going to mess it all up, every moment, without Jesus. I need Him. I need the Holy Spirit’s counsel, guidance, empowerment and strength to live and move and have my being. And as I mess up and sin and hurt others and think thought that are not pure and loving, there is GRACE in the forgiveness of Christ. “If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 2:1-3). This sounds like an active relationship with him, that is under a security of what has already been accomplished and under promises of how God WILL receive us daily, as we come to Him. All of the Bible shows us glimpses of this active daily relationship with Jesus and who this God is who continually seeks relationship with us, because he created us for himself, for his glory and his delight. I am bent to sin. When I abide in the gospel of grace, he bends me towards his glory, toward what I am made for, toward enjoyment of Him and what he made me for. His gospel for me now, as a Christian of twenty years, is about abiding in His truths, abiding in His love, abiding in constant grace. I’m so thankful for the gospel of Jesus. It will never bore me.