Sacred Marriage Ch. 1

I used to think it happened to people when they were literally on a mountaintop. With blue skies and the grand view kind of spinning around them in a 360. With a journal below them with written page after written page. I used to think it happened because of lots of time alone, space from whatever or whomever, like a lot of the greats have been known for. I used to think it was because of sitting. Because of how long they read. Because of how long they prayed the change would happen to them.

How do people change with the Lord? How do our spiritual hearts inside of us get transformed, looking more and more like Jesus, if we will let him?

Change does happen on mountaintops. And in coffee shops over a three hour quiet time. And on trips to Africa. And on a retreat all alone. And over time.

But that's kind of where I stopped in my belief about how people change years ago. I saw jobs and being a stay at home mom and even relationships, even a marriage as possible obstacles from becoming who I thought God wanted me to become inside.

In chapter one of Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas made a really interesting point that resonated with me about marriage, when we think of this idea of how people change to become more like Jesus. He said "Most of the Christian classics were written by monks and nuns for munks and nuns. The married could at best feebly try to simulate a single pursuit of God; the thought of pursuing God through marriage wasn't really given serious consideration; instead, the emphasis was largely on pursuing God in spite of marriage."

I think part of me used to think about lots of things this way. That I didn't want things to "get in the way" of what I was supposed to do for the Lord. I saw myself less as someone who needed to be broken over and over again and more as an instrument that the Lord would use for great things and the world (and not necessarily my neighborhood) was my oyster. The Lord uses us for his exact purposes, yes, but the subtle difference I am exposing is my view of self. Am I great…or is he great?

Thomas goes on to say that he was talking to his brother about marriage and he said, "If you want to be free to serve Jesus, there's no question - stay single. Marriage takes a lot of time. But if you want to become more like Jesus, I can't imagine any better thing to do than to get married. Being married forces you to face some character issues you'd never have to face otherwise."

I can say for sure that ten years ago when Jason and I started dated my thinking was not exactly in this box. And if I said, "yeah I believe that," I pretty much had no idea what I was talking about. Because if I really think about it I think I believed much more that my change came about by burying my face in a three hour quiet time and then wandering through my days and relationships as I wished with a light heart.

And lest I am completely, totally misunderstood here, I am not saying not to do a quiet time or that the Word of God is not the most life-changing thing you will ever encounter. It is. I am saying that I did not see the Word the same before marriage because I did not see myself. I did not see how much I needed the Word. I did not read it the same, I did not need it the same, I did not beg God for it to be true the same way. I was in a different season, a different place. There are many days now that I look back and wonder, Was I more serious about my faith then? Because I did not experience these same inner struggles and did not see my sin come tumbling out like I do these days. I just think I am finding out a glimpse of what has been way down within me all along. God says in Romans 3 that there is no one righteous, not even one. Maybe my sin wasn’t as obvious ten years ago to me, but I also didn’t believe that verse as much as I do now, and praise God as passionately that grace exists.

There’s a pressing nature of marriage that pushes on a nerve that’s always been there. We’ve always been damaged, but the pressing exposes the need for Jesus and the gratitude as he daily heals that place. There’s something about not being able to escape from yourself and all of your tendencies because of an ever-present refining circumstance (like marriage) that forces us to see our need for the gospel. This is why marriage is so exposing. This is why we either change in marriage or else we become what we never thought we could hate more. I see this is my marriage and every other marriage around me. We are either changing with Jesus into something more like him, or we are pushing it away and becoming what makes us sick inside.

A devotional I did recently called How People Change described it as “heat” coming into our life through either blessings or trials and depending on whether or not our hearts went to the cross to respond to that circumstance, we either produce thorns or fruit in our life.

A last quote from Thomas I will include here says, “Any situation that causes me to confront my selfishness has enormous spiritual value, and I slowly began to understand that the real purpose of marriage may not be happiness as much as it is holiness.”

I just had my thirty second birthday and what did I do with it? With my busy, demanding life with three tiny children, I just asked for a day to myself. I wanted a break. I was dying inside for that mountain. For that place I could go and not hear anyone and not have to respond to any needs or worry about anyone. I wanted quiet and to not be known or recognized. And I wanted to write. And drink a gallon of coffee. And to just open my Bible and let it fall over me. And for certain it was helpful and spiritually encouraging and rejuvenating. There was change with the Lord there.

But I am not promised that kind of escape. That’s one day in like 200 that I got to be alone all day like that and pretend like I am nun in a quiet convent. But in marriage there are constant conversations, subtle differences in insights and perceptions, there are responses and needs and expectations. And it is a constant reminder that I cannot escape how I am bent, in the sense that I can’t stop the inner battle. But I can escape, in a different sense, by living moment by moment, conversation by conversation, in the Spirit’s guidance.

I was talking to my friend the other day who loves Jesus with all her heart and is an introvert off the charts. She has two very small children and her words were something like I just can’t get that alone time. It’s very hard to find that time in the Word at this stage but…we must. We must. And when it is actually hilariously impossible with the kids waking up at 5 or 6 and crazy circumstances throughout the day and no naps…we still must. We must practice the presence of the Lord. It is then that HE IS ABLE TO CHANGE US, as our flesh rises up and threatens to take over our very being and we CALL OUT to Jesus, who is mighty to save, and he fights our fight for us, as we lay down our will. There have been days that I have longed for that three hour walk with the Lord to give over all my burdens and instead it was this conversation throughout the day, with three toddlers huddling around me, and the Word of God on my tongue.

Marriage (as well as motherhood for certain) has the potential to be the most life changing thing I ever give myself to. All that happens on the “mountain” or in the coffee shop or on a long walk or early in the morning or just away matters greatly because my heart is encouraged. But I know if my heart is being changed by the Lord when the conversations and differences and demands for selflessness come up in my home all the day long. This is when flesh rises up to defend itself against the spirit. And in that heated clash of wills within me, I learn what is deep within the wellspring of my heart and what ground God is getting in me. So I praise God for the change on mountains and I praise him for the change in heat like marriage because of the brokenness. Because of the victories, though painful as they may be. And because of the change.