Those Old Weekends

The parks department must have fixed the trail because every day that is remotely nice there are cars packed in the parking lot and running down the street in a long line. I glance over every time we’re headed to the store or a playdate or bible study. It always makes me think about the people who have the time to be there. They have nothing to do just moments after work is over. Nothing to do on Saturday mornings and, some of them, nothing to do at 10:00 on a workday. I could give them something to do :).

A number of times recently driving by, particularly this morning, I was thinking about the weekends Jason and I used to have together before we had kids. Oh my goodness. I literally laughed outloud in the car, making myself go into a coughing frenzy since I have a lovely sore throat. This is crazy, but I actually used to feel stress out about free time. (I would take a moment to mock myself with uncontrollable laughter right now, in a released moment of parenthood criticism….but I am surrounded by nice normal people in a Barnes and Noble so I’ll just peer around cooly and let the madness form in my head). Why would I stress out, you might ask? Well. I didn’t want to waste my weekends. Yes, that’s good. But I just felt like I didn’t have a lot of time and I had so many things I wanted to do. Now, I still relate to that. But now I’ve got like two hours a week to myself so if I stress myself out over that time I am screwed and it’s over and then I’ve got another week to patient for more of that. So although I do recognize that uptight girl, oh yeah I do, it’s just not over a free weekend anymore. I cannot imagine what it would feel like to have a free weekend, at home. Even now, when we have a free weekend, we run off to another city. I literally just took a sec to text Jason to tell him that next time we get weekend babysitting I’d really rather stay home and relax and go on hikes and stuff. I’d like to have a weekend like we used to have.

We would always sleep in. 9:00 is when I would start feeling guilty. We’d mess around a couple of hours with breakfast and reading and this or that and then we’d go run errands or go on a hike or meet up with a friend. So easy. Head out to dinner that night. Watch a movie at home or out, whichever sounded better, and go to bed late knowing we could go to whatever church service we wanted to that day. A nap always made it’s way into the schedule, as well as some gardening and phonecalls here and there. And then Monday would come and I would feel all gypped and cheated out of my time.

He he he.

This season can be really hard for me and Jason. Hard on our marriage. Hard on our insides. Hard on our sanctification. Hard on our schedule. My nights end with putting Salem to bed around 6:30 and then I usually spend until 8:30 or 9:00 cleaning up the kitchen and doing various other chores around the house so that I can crash and not have a ton of things hanging over my head. Jason usually takes the girls from 6:30 on and does a sweet bedtime routine with them that lasts forever, but that’s what makes it sweet, and is usually done with them and tinkering around with this and that by 9:00 as well. We watch about one show and have a short “how are you” before I’m toast and head upstairs alone.

What made me laugh and also kind of cry a little inside thinking about those old weekends is that I have always been feisty and argumentative and hard on my husband. (Sorry baby. At least it's being confessed and hopefully becoming less and less and less). I am passionate. We have a great time and then we have some low times, often when I do not give the Spirit the reigns on my emotions. I very often feel a little bipolar and it doesn't give me much peace to know it runs in the family :(. Sometimes I feel like, okay, if we can get through this pressure cooker of a season, we will be fine. But then I have memories like I did today where I remember, oh crap, we weren’t in a pressure cooker then and I was still exhibiting some of those same qualities. Uh oh. So a new season isn't the answer.

That’s why I know the Holy Spirit’s message to us in this season is NOT, “Hey just make it through this season and then it will be easier.” Ha. That is not his way. His way is to change us IN the pressure cooker. He’s got a huge purpose for us. And it’s not to get us out of there or even just to sustain us while we’re in there. He sees it more like a crock pot. I went in there raw and he wants to make me into something like what I was supposed to be. This is not a waiting room, a get through it trial. Are they ever? I don’t ever think we’re just waiting. I think we’re changing. The pressure is heat that, with the gospel of Christ, is going to do something miraculous to us.

So I see those trails day to day and I miss. I miss the early days of our relationship, the time we had for each other, the freedom to just stop the car and go get on that trail even if I had been on my way to go do something else. But. We were also different people then. So I’m hoping in twenty years when this treasured season with children sadly comes to an end, that our weekends actually won’t look the same as they did. I think we’re going to be different. We’re going to be healthier. We’re going to look different than we did when we got into this crockpot. And just as I read in Romans 12 today, I am “joyful in hope” for us, because of Jesus.

Thirty Two

Written last Wednesday on my thirty second birthday.

I’m 32 today. It’s such an odd day. I have my feet up on a table in a coffee shop on Alki beach, where I have already been for a few hours. But my heart is far away, way over on that island I see across the sound. My friend had a tragic loss yesterday and I cannot stop this crushing chest pain I have for them. I cannot just steal away to do my birthday or go to dessert with friends. Maybe that’s fitting since I have struggled since probably my 30th birthday with special days that are supposed to celebrate me. I made feeling special too important. I prepared my heart a little better for my birthday this year and prepared myself to battle my expectations that buzz around my heart like knats, declaring that it’s not enough.

So with sober perspective with the news from my friend, the knats just dropped to the floor. The buzzing expectations were silenced, as they should be. I am blessed to be alive, so I need to stop being all about me and learn to live to serve others in love. That’s why Jesus wants me to be here anyway.

I guess what I am trying to write about is what this year has been all about. My thirty second year. What has it looked like. Who was I. As daughter, woman, wife, mom, friend, sister, on and on. What was different. How did I grow. How do I look different now than when I was 22. Or even 31.

Some things weren’t different. My shoes are still the same. (Because I still hate shoe shopping, no matter how out of style I get. Actually I did get a compliment on my light brown shin high boots the other day and I laughed b/c they are like six years old and somehow back in style). My addictions to coffee and being alone and gardening and good good friends are the same. I still like to write incessantly, except no one would know that because it’s mostly a collection of things on Word and not my blog. I have gotten back into good ol journaling with the introduction of the moleskin and it’s gloriously floppy pages. I can’t think of any other reason why “floppy” would make me so happy but when it comes to journals it makes my insides take a deep breath of delight. I still like a light rain when I am reading or a heavy rain that lasts for three minutes. A good dose of a garden nursery will put me on cloud nine for at least an hour, which is a long time to be joyful for a melancholic ;). I still really need dates with my husband and now really need dates with each of my kids too. I still have long long hair and don’t plan on cutting it anytime soon because I think I have finally learned how to fix it, which is maybe my biggest miracle of my thirties so far. I still don’t exercise (oops) and the only type I miss is hiking, which I am hoping will change this summer. I still go to bed at 10:30 and sort of can’t function except to blink my eyes and have minimal brain function after nine o’clock pm.

Silly little different things. I am getting up early and though it’s painful the first few minutes and I have almost crazy schitzophrenic conversations wildly dancing in my head about why I should or should not get up, in the end I do enjoy being up before everyone else. Go figure, Proverbs 31. Maybe I did something right this year after all ;). I have started to eat much healthier and actually have enjoyed the food network, reading cookbooks, looking at ingredient labels, and trying out new recipes to help our family stay healthier. (But confession – I still think we all deserve treats fairly frequently and for my birthday I bought myself a big slice of chocolate cake with a container of mint chocolate cookie icecream. No guilt whatsoever and it was delicious). I am back to my five year old days of perferring pink and purple. But mostly pink. Any shade. Anyway, lots of things have changed, but let’s get on to the real change. You know me :).

One year ago I was…not doing well. I mean, I was blessed beyond belief with a new son and surprised by the gift of his life. But I did not handle the blessing well. I floundered with my overwhelming responsibilities and life with three little children age two and under. I needed a lot of help and a lot of perspective. I also needed a lot of grace that even though my life with the girls had changed, and I could grieve that, we would all grow together now into something different and good. I remember after eight weeks of having some sort of help every single day, there finally came the first day I had to do it on my own. Instead of doing that, I asked like five moms to come on over, with all of their kids. And they did, and it was a zoo, but I needed the company. Somehow a zoo felt more desirable than the four of us. I was just scared. And then when I tried my “first day” at home with the kids for a second time, I did it and I was okay…but it was hard and it took a while to adjust. But eventually I got the hang of having three, with lots of grace.

One of my biggest appreciations last year (and actually the year prior too) was my accountability group. We focused only on confession as well as what God was teaching us. It kept me close to something I have needed to cling to: repentance. Jason and I have described parenthood as a pressure cooker and I feel like last year I learned a crucial part to coming out of this season a different person, rather the same with lots of ugly and that’s just that I need to stay in humble confession of my sins. I have been learning (and it’s not over) to be more genuinely saying I’m sorry for ___ and asking a lot, a lot, a lot more sincerely for forgiveness. And stopping there. Just dealing with my side. Having peace with God that I am being faithful to respond to his Spirit about ME and then STOPPING. I am still working on this but I feel fruit forming. And it feels like maybe the most right thing I have done in a while. My husband would account that I have a lot more to learn in this area, and I surely do. Lord take me further.

One of my biggest revelations in motherhood is that I am teaching my kids what the Lord is always teaching me. We do one bible verse per week and then lots of instruction and discipline in between from loving your brother and sister, to sincerely apologizing, to asking for forgiveness, to forgiving, to rejoicing with one another, to grieving when we’ve hurt one another, to obeying, to being kind and compassionate, to being completely humble and gentle, to being willing to share. I have not perfected one thing I am teaching them. I am a child in the spirit too. I have a Father who is raising me. He is parenting me with his Spirit daily, moment by moment. And I MUST STAY HUMBLE with my children, revealing to them when I am wrong and when I sin against them and when I am not obeying God. I know I am the worst, most disobedient children out of all of us, so I cannot lord over them in their sin. I must confess my own when it is against them. And staying low helps me to not “punish” and demean and roll my eyes at them, but it keeps me burdened for them to grow and change and “get it” and be saved by Jesus one day.

A recent blessing is that our bible study group took a spiritual gifts test and I was really surprised by the results. It’s probably been ten years since I took one and although my “old” strengths were the same (discernment and prophesy), they were not #1, 2 or even 3. They were like four and five out of like 15 different giftings. They still scored super high but I had new highs. #1 was shepherding. #2 was encouragement and #3 was exhortation. The definitions really really helped me. Shepherding is “the capacity to guide and nurture an individual or group to grow in faith.” Encouragement is “the capacity to give reassurance and support.” Exhortation is “the capacity to stimulate faith and promote Christian maturity in others.” When I finished the test and saw my results, I was shocked at first but then felt really at peace. Yes, discernment and prophesy are in me. Nobody who knows me would doubt that :). Yes, teaching is in me; it’s a heartbeat of mine. But this shepherding thing is always always always on my mind. How can I guide x person. How can I nurture growth in x situation. How can I guide x group to maturity about x. Now that I have learned x, how can I be patient to wait for that in others. It’s forever on my mind and heart and in my words and conversations. I cannot cannot cannot escape that this is part of me, compelling me, moving me forward in relationships and in groups. And it feels good and to see it on paper makes me feel not crazy or controlling but just that as I abide in Christ, this is a Spirit thing. And it feels right to walk in it.

In that I will say that I have thought a lot this year about how I am “bent”…both spiritually and also how I bend when I am seeing life sinfully. I have really appreciated how Kalle and Annie have described me recently b/c it has helped me to have better understanding of what tends to be a more melancholic side of me. K says that I see the world (or a person) how it (or they) were intended to be, and how things should be. So instead of just saying I am a downer about things or generally kind of despairing or seeming to never stop with my expectations, it truly is a lot deeper than just having trouble being joyful. I have Kingdom eyes. I long for what we should be, how I should be, how it would have all been without sin. And I guess I long for…heaven! For our glorified selves. And I long for what Christ can accomplish in us while we are still here. It burdens me greatly and when I use this gifting rightly, I am very prayerful, hopeful, discerning, shepherding, careful with my words, counseling, and intentional. When I use this lense but with sinful eyes, I get super disappointed and tired and emotionally unsteady and untrusting and disgusted and hopeless and despairing. Quite a difference. It has helped me immensely to have my friends help me to define what is going on there. For them to help me see a spiritual gifting there and to also help me see how I can be bent sinfully when I am not abiding in Christ.

If you looked at my relationship with the Lord this year I can say confidently it has looked very different than other years. Something definitely turned a corner in my heart this year. Quiet times were not these little sweet devotions. They were not irrelevant studies that I had a hard time making practical by the time I got to the application question. “Quiet times” this year, if you can call them that, were intensely desperate for me. It is interesting to me that the longer I know Jesus the more I need to connect with him during the day to feel like I can get through the day. I have desperately, desperately needed, wanted, prayed that his Scripture was REAL this year. That they were not just words or even distant truths but if they were real and living and active, sharp enough to divide my soul and spirit, that he would use them to change my life. If 1 Co 1:9 says that He who called me into fellowship with his Son is faithful, then I have been desperate to experience and grasp and exist with a peace of his faithfulness. If Romans 4 says that God is the God who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist, then when I look at my dead heart that is so selfish in my marriage with Jason, then I am desperate to know that he can call into existence a selflessness and gracious spirit into my life. When Romans 15:13 says that the God of all hope can give me joy and peace as I trust in him so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit, it doesn’t just sound nice to me…I WANT that desperately and I feel my insides clawing for it if I am indeed able to have that. I feel myself looking at God’s promises especially the second half of this year, not with doubt or irritation or distance, but with a great hope and request and expectation in my spirit, that He who wrote the Scriptures will indeed make them come alive in my heart and in my behavior and my life. I am looking constantly to have my mind renewed, one small piece of Scripture at a time. I find myself sloooowing down. Reading less verses, meditating more. Praying verses more. Asking for the gift of faith more. Landing on life verses like Romans 15:13 and praying them often. And lately the closest one to me is being prayerful for JOY and HOPE.

So I’d say that carrying over into my thirty third year I am expectant for some fruit of this new time with the Lord for certain. I am hoping that next year I will be writing more about a promise carried out from Romans 15:13, that the God of all hope would give me joy and peace as I trust in him, so that I would overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. I am praying that I would overflow with hope. That as I see into relationships and my marriage and my children’s eyes and my friends’ lives, that even as I see how we need to grow and change and lean into Jesus, that I would simultaneously be quicker to light up with an expectant hope about what Jesus is capable of doing. He gave me this heart but he also gives me this hope. Here’s to 32 and a joyful hope to come.

Moms, it's Monday #2

Last Tuesday we got back from a long trip to North Carolina. My mom helped with the…interesting…(we’ll keep it at that) journey back across the country with the three little ones. She left Wednesday morning for a conference in Vancouver and I had planned to do nothing but get adjusted back to our life in Seattle and just vegetate for a day at home. Since they seemed to miss their toys, that was lovely for about two hours. We did a trip to the store, which actually was more than decent considering my cart full of children, and then headed home for …an unfortunate downhill journey.

I’m not sure why exactly. All I know is that suddenly it felt like we had been in the house ninety days straight and that daylight was thirty nine hours long. I was beginning to feel like naptime was going to be kind of crucial and don’t you know when you’re counting on something it doesn’t happen. For whatever reason, Salem would absolutely not sleep and seemed terrified for me to leave him in his room. I couldn’t figure out why but after some trying and crying it out and the usual tricks, he was awake with me again. The afternoon involved some nice moments but mostly some toddler craziness and keeping Salem up to see daddy before bedtime turned into a full time attention commitment. I remember around five just letting myself drift into a daze. And by 6:00 I am not sure I was even responding to my children anymore. Hmm. Anybody been there? I was jetlagged, somehow already had cabin fever after less than 24 hours in my house, and when Jason got home I am not even sure I looked up. I just shifted into okay-somebody-else-has-it gear and kind of shut it all down. I put Salem to bed and climbed into bed sensing that a good dose of bible reading was what I needed. I finished my day at 8:00pm, falling asleep with my clothes on and the lights on, reading I’m not sure what in my bible. I remember thinking before I went to sleep, I cannot have a day like this tomorrow. It was one of those thoughts that felt a little bit like giving up, like if another day like that had to happen I didn’t want to do it anymore. Just being honest. It’s a low you hit when you’re just drained of all you can be. And I thought, I have to get up in the morning and have a quiet time, I just have to.

So the next morning two out of three of my children woke up at FIVE A.M. That is not fair or right or JUST. That is just evil. Jason, who loves sleep more than me, has no mercy for jet lag and carried Kanah back to bed telling her to go back to sleep believing a hundred percent that she would do so, which sort of worked for another hour, at which time I put on Cinderella for her in the playroom. I went in Salem’s room at 5, changed him in the dark, gave him some milk, and hoped that he would sense that what I was trying to get across was, “you are up too early, so go back to bed” which was the routine I did with him waaaaay back when, when we could not get over that 5:00 hump of sleeping through the night. He obliged for about an hour an a half and got up at 6:30, which made me happy b/c I had already showered and begun my quiet time. Jason took over around that time, since he likes to have the kiddos around when he gets ready, so I got back to some serious prayer and bible time.

On a morning like that, it’s not a nice little quiet time. It’s not, let’s just read some verses over and say some sweet little prayers and jot down a casual journal entry about how I am feeling today. I have been telling some of my friends lately that on days like this, the truth about whether God really really exists is seriously important to me and matters immensely in a moment where I feel like I absolutely hands down cannot do something if He does not show up and become real to me.

So that morning my bible reading wasn’t a long chapter. It was four verses. Here they are (not word for word exactly, because I don’t have a Bible nearby, but close enough to semi-quote):

Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another and forgive one another just as in Christ, God forgave you.

Colossians 1:11 May you be strengthened with all power according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience, with joy, giving thanks to the Father…”

2 Samuel 22:23 “It is God who arms me with strength.”

I read them slowly and deliberately, absorbing their truths, and then I got up with my coffee cup and slowly circled my downstairs. I like to pray and let words flow off of my tongue and just kind of get lost in talking to God about my life and our family and just letting him know my heart and trying to understand his. But that was not one of these days. It was a day of desperation for him to answer very specific prayers. Prayers that are according to his Word and according to promises he has for me.

The two Ephesians verses are commands and they feel totally beyond my capability. Be completely humble and gentle? Be patient? Be kind? Be compassionate? Not easy. Add the next two verses to the mix and then I can be hopeful about achieving the first two.

So I prayed the Ephesians verses from my viewpoint over each of my children, that with his strength and by the power of his glorious might, I might be able to be completely humble and gentle and patient, bearing with Kanah…and Grace…and Salem…in love. And that I would be kind and compassionate, forgiving Kanah…and Grace…and Salem…because God has forgiven me. These were my slow, deliberate, meditative prayers this morning at the foot of the throne of God that morning.

I am only scratching the surface to this whole idea of meditating on Scripture and particularly on the promises of God. I am beginning to respond to the Spirit as he has been guiding me lately into reading less, sitting longer, and dwelling more on what he really wants me to hear and what response I should have with my own lips.

I’m not saying some miracle happened that morning. I don’t know, maybe God would call any heart change a miracle. But what I am saying is that He compelled me to that time with him, he led me to specific instrumental Scripture both to instruct me as well as empower me, and he used the time in prayer to change my heart and to prepare me for the day ahead. A friend just gave me a verse in 1 Peter the other day about how we need to prepare our minds for action. Our actions, our behaviors, our words, our interactions begin in our minds. And that is where the Lord wanted to begin with me. And the day wasn’t perfect, but the Lord had increased something of himself in me that sustained me and convicted me when I need to be and…kind of carried me. So at the end of this day, my heart feels like doing the second half of Col 1:11, and I want to joyfully give thanks to the Father. And I want to get up again tomorrow. Because his truths are real. And prayer time does matter. And heart change does happen. And God really really exists and this matters to me immensely.

Moms, it's Monday

Lately I have felt a lot of conviction around being prepared for Mondays. When I am not ready for Monday and it arrives knocking and I am all surprised that I have a visitor, it’s just silliness. I shouldn’t be surprised that Monday has arrived. I should be ready. I just need to admit to myself that I am not a fly by the seat of my pants type girl and that going to the Lord to submit my week to him and to ask what He would have for me and my children, is wise and essential.

Proverbs 14:1 says that a wise woman builds her house and a foolish one tears hers down with her own hands. When Monday surprises me, I find me and my kids stumbling through the week with my only agenda a playdate here or there and then all else is makeshift and random and survival. This is foolish for me and I find myself tearing my house down, so to say. I am “tearing down” instruction and discipline and relationships that I have spent much purpose building up. So I have felt conviction to not just have general convictions about building my house in theory and how I want to raise my kids, but to have specific plans each week to carry out the greater vision. I could go into detail, and maybe I will later, but for I just want to focus on the idea that on Mondays, us mamas need to not be surprised by the calendar.

I feel like the Lord gave me two encouragements recently to give me the grace I needed to get through the day. I felt like sharing them, so I will write them out here. And if God sees fit, I had the thought that maybe every Monday I should post a “Moms, it’s Monday” encouragement, as the Lord leads. We’ll see, because I’m certainly not as great as other blogs about remembering what day it is to do a certain kind of post, just like I often forget that it's Monday altogether!

1. Psalm 84:5-7 “Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength til each appears before God in Zion.”

It was a number of years ago when I first read this verse. I think it was actually the year I was pregnant with the girls and I was really battling the ability to get through strict hospital bed rest. I am absolutely spurred on by the words “who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.” Being a Christian is not about this moment or how I feel right this second or how easy something is. I see my circumstance with an eternal perspective, knowing that from the day that Christ saved me until He redeems me, I am ON PILGRIMAGE. This is a long obedience in the same direction. I am walking with Christ not just for thirty minutes of exercise today. I am walking, walking, walking forever with him. My pilgrimage does not take a break or slumber or cease to exist at times. I am always on pilgrimage with Christ. I am in a continual, perpetual, unceasing season of refinement to look more and more like Jesus himself. We are encouraged in this verse to SET our hearts on pilgrimage. We may not see it that way now, but we are being asked to turn our hearts that way and to keep setting them in that direction.

Secondly. We go from strength to strength. I don’t know why but that makes me tear up right now. I need to hear this. It is a bit of a word picture for me feels completely like how it practically seems to work spiritually. I don’t just become a super Christian over time and one day when I am really mature I am just strong in Jesus all the time. I think it’s more like this verse. I GO FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH. Each time I am weak, I go to Jesus. He strengthens me for that purpose, just like when I eat a meal, I am made stronger. Jesus asks us to FEED ON HIM as our daily bread like the manna that came down for the Israelites in John chapter 6. We accept him as our Bread of Life when we are saved, and then he asks us to see him as our daily bread, continually. We go from strength to strength.

2. Isaiah 40:30-31 “Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

I just wrote in a recent blog post about “popular verses” and how when I come across one I sometimes do a little “yeah yeah” song in my head and quickly scan them, looking for some fresh ideas. Ohh. That’s a no no. Lots of conviction the past few years on that one. As I mentioned, popular Bible verses are popular because they are amazing, not because lots of people like them. Only pride would keep me from reading them slowly and with great gratitude in my heart. So I came across ol Isaiah 40:30-31 recently in a quiet time as I was on my way to something else and I stopped. And let the Spirit minister to me. And reading these truths slowly, with hope in what the Lord does in us, I was encouraged. Again because of that word strength. My job is to keep hoping in the Lord. I need to keep believing him, who He is, what His promises to me are, and what He is able to do. That is my job. In that, He is renewing my strength.

Also what struck me about these verses is that word “run.” I joke with close friends that my nightmare is being stuck forever running on a treadmill. When I was younger my gymnastic coaches would make us run for conditioning and almost always I would end up weezing myself into the locker room, searching my red gym bag for my inhaler. These days I could probably just visualize running and end up on one of those rolling oxygen tanks. He he. However, when I see people running, especially people who look like they are in real agony, counting the tenths of the mile, everything in me wants to roll down my window and cheer and holler for them because I think they are amazing. I think runners are superheroes a little bit.

So anyway, I read that part about running and not growing weary and I thought not of those of you who run for fun and it feels good to have all those endorphins flowing through your muscle loaded bodies. That verse for the people in that category might seem easy to overlook. No, I thought of this body that runs only ten feet at a time for a runaway toddler in danger and whose muscles from those gymnastics days have softened into a cushy material. :) This body and running combined with the words “not weary” perplex me and make me curious. I can envision myself doing certain things I do not or cannot do now, but running is never on the list. So I’m reading this verse thinking about how impossible that sounds and I feel the full impact of this verse, that God says that spiritually I can run through my days and not grow weary. I can go through a day that feels impossible and hard and like it’s wrecking me inside and I’m counting the seconds that get me through the minutes that get me through the hours – you know those days I am talking about I think – and God says that the place He desires to get me to is being able to “run” like that and not grow weary. Haven’t you met these souls? The humble people of the faith who seem to just be going through the wringer and they do not complain or give up or have enormous mommy meltdowns and they just cling to Jesus and even support others in their wringers? Lord it feels far away, but let your words come true for me. I want to run through my days and not grow weary. You can do this for me.

Mom, it’s Monday. It’s the beginning of the week. And I’m feeling compelled to start it with promises, with encouragement in my mind, with the Spirit at my side. And to let what He says in His Scripture begin to be true, as I do my work: “hope in the Lord.”

Second half of the List

This is the second half of my list of things that have been "renewed" in my mind since coming to know Jesus twenty years ago. Read the last two entries for the whole story...

Motherhood. Somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind I knew I wanted children. Jason and I got married. Never thought about it. Jason was open to kids from the beginning, but was never pushy and always open to how I was feeling convicted. One, two, three years went by and nothing changed. Neither here nor there, but mostly not on the radar and had to remind myself that at any moment it could happen to me. At some point around year four I felt compelled to really start praying about it. If you know me, you know I am incredibly intentional, a lot of times to a fault. But with decisions like this, it’s super handy! My kids will never ever wonder if they were wanted :). I like to journal so I started a new one that I called my “mom journal” and I only wrote in there when I felt the Lord teach me something new about growing my heart towards being a mom. Sometimes it was one line. Sometimes I got distracted and just wrote baby names. Sometimes after spending time with a mommy friend I would notice something about her heart and jot it down. Sometimes I avoided it. Sometimes I just prayed in it, asking God to grow my heart and help me believe Scripture’s thoughts about children. I spent one year visiting my mom journal. After that year I was totally transformed. I’m not trying to pull a testimony on you that sounds like something out of a get-saved-gospel-tent. I’m really serious. It was not overnight. It was one year. But just the same, my mind was utterly convinced. And not at my own convincing. Just by sitting with the Lord on a very specific question, He completely ministered to me and GAVE ME HIS HEART FOR BEING A MOM. It was incredible. I was no longer on the fence. It was no longer miles away. No longer in the recesses of my mind. It was a burden, a desire of my heart, and I agreed with Scripture in the most sincere way when it said things like “children are a reward.” We got pregnant quickly. And had a miscarriage. We mourned greatly for a number of months and it took about nine for us to get pregnant again. I grieve for women now who suffer infertility because those nine months were the darkest of my life and I know that many women wait for much, much longer than that, and sometimes never see another pregnancy again. God had more for me to learn, more for me to gain through suffering and loss, for his glory. And I didn’t deserve them, but then he gave us two babies at once. Sweet Kanah and Grace. And although it was a horrific pregnancy, as Jason always reminds me, I was at war for life for their lives until they came into the world. I never thought I would be “ready” for children, and I think it’s silly that any of us ever assume the superhero thought that we are “ready” for anything because we all are weak and need Jesus at every moment and turn. But HE readied me, daily. And where I began as a mother from day one was something I could have never imagined accomplishing on my own. But He so prepared me, in the Spirit.

Vocation. It took me a long time to even accept that a homemaker and stay at home mom was even a vocational calling. And the best calling for me, at that! Prior to having kids, I definitely was torn about whether or not I would go back to work. I didn’t see what the big deal was about doing one or the other. The decision more came down to whether I wanted to do it, not whether God was asking me to. I still do not see this in a black and white way and I will not get into all of my thoughts and convictions about this but generally for ME it came down to a conviction that I did not see being at home as valuable, purposeful or as a good of a use of my giftings as accomplishing something in the world. It wasn’t about money. For some women it is, and you have to work to be able to get food on the table, so I am not talking about that. We didn’t need the money from my job. For me it was about accomplishment and gifting. Maybe some women relate, because even many Christians who really love Jesus get hung up much more on having our giftings used than we do on the possibility that God might be calling us to something much more humble than saving the world. Maybe that sounds harsh, but maybe it’s that ugly for a lot of us. I really felt God grace me with an ability to SEE Proverbs 14:1 with new eyes. “The wise woman builds her house.” It took a couple of years but through many conversations, prayers, observations, sermons and just divine appointments I began to see my home and my children as having infinite value and purpose. My children are little BEINGS with SPIRITS! They have been created by God in his image and in love they have been made to be individually gifted and pursued by Him. It is an HONOR to be with them daily, to love on them, to create a home around them, to point them continually moment by moment to Truth and to both instruct and discipline them in the ways of God. It is an honor. This doesn’t mean it’s easy or that everyday feels like a gift or that I see this amazing supernatural fruit and my children are growing up to behave perfectly and that by age 2 they were Christians. Not at all. I’m saying my heart has changed. I’m saying I see God’s view of my kids, as much as my heart is able at this point. (and I hope for that to keep deepening). I’m saying I love my job. At home. With my kids. I used to say, I’m neither here nor there about it. Now I say, I can’t believe I have this honor for this brief, crucial, ever-important season in my life. I love being home to build our home, serve my husband and raise my children. It’s crazy great, no matter what kind of day it is.


My responsibility. I hate being misunderstood. It’s my biggest button. You hit that button and I start to scramble. It’s looked different over the years, for certain. Marriage has been the biggest E on the eye chart with this issue. I really like resolution. I really like to feel good at the end of a conversation. I really like to end it with a feeling of, okay they heard me, they know me a little better, and that was good. It’s very difficult for me to feel that distance, or that disagreement, or maybe even that affirmation that what I am saying resonates with the other person too. The affirmation often came up when I wanted to get something, mostly Truth, across into someone’s life. Not affirmation that my directions to the store were right or that other simple things. It was usually about something I had a conviction about. And I do think that mostly those convictions where right, if I still were to evaluate them with the discernement given me. It was just that I wanted, needed, desired too much that affirmation from another. If someone had a question or a doubt or felt stuck understanding something about the Lord or something spiritual, I felt this interesting responsibility to clarify it for them. To give them the mind of Christ. Though it was not mine to give. The Spirit teaches, counsels, gives wisdom. I obey with my words and relinquish. That was hard for me to accept. I wanted a selfish, satisfied result. Somehow I wanted that heavy responsibility. And along the way, the Spirit taught me(and still teaches me in the moment) an interesting balance between being used as an instrument for his righteousness in that moment, to whatever degree He sees fit, and then not having that urge to fix the other person. I began to have this open handed feeling with people. It felt light. It felt like…trust. I began to believe in God FOR that person. He loved them more than me, He was able to open their eyes, He could translate my broken words about His Truth and make it have total sense for them. It was up to Him to make their scales fall. I obey and relinquish. And rest in this strangely trusting, satisfied, grateful place that God wants them to get it more than me. It also helped me a lot a couple of years ago to read in some book (so much for citing the author) that Jesus was more misunderstood than any of us and that is an extreme understatement and hardly worth comparing. Jesus was never understood, never really saw for who He was, and walked with that disconnect – in every relationship – daily, his whole life and to death. And still even those of us who know Him, and I speak for myself here but assume for most all of us, we always kind of think we understand His heart. But there’s always more. Who has understood the mind of the Lord, asks Job and Isaiah. We are but dust. He gives us the mind of Christ, and enables us to understand spiritual things, but we are just on the brink of the canyon of God. He is so wide and deep and vast and awe-inspiring. We just admire from the shore and understand the ocean by the waves crashing into our lives. Jesus being so infinitely misunderstood by believers and non helped me accept that sense of being misunderstood myself. And to trust that HE KNEW ME. And that that was enough.

The Gospel. I grew up hearing lots of people saying that you need to preach the gospel to yourself everyday. That is so awesome. That is so true. And I so didn’t get that at all. I am sure I even said it a lot. But I am pretty sure I had no idea what I was talking about! I think I still mostly thought the gospel was about salvation. I mostly thought it was for non-believers and that I already accepted the gospel, so now I moved on to looking like a Christian. But it turns out that it’s impossible to look like Jesus without the gospel daily preached to my heart, so it mostly didn’t go over well and looked Pharisaical most of the time. Yes, the gospel is about salvation. If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, then you will be saved. Romans 10:9-10. Amen. Beautiful gospel. I did that, I confessed that at age 12 at Ocean Isle Beach in North Carolina. So what’s the gospel after that? It’s what Jesus has accomplished for me, working itself out over and over and over with grace upon grace upon grace, for me a sinner from the time I am scooped up and saved until I go to be with him in glory. Everyday preaching myself the gospel just means acknowledging that I am going to mess it all up, every moment, without Jesus. I need Him. I need the Holy Spirit’s counsel, guidance, empowerment and strength to live and move and have my being. And as I mess up and sin and hurt others and think thought that are not pure and loving, there is GRACE in the forgiveness of Christ. “If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 2:1-3). This sounds like an active relationship with him, that is under a security of what has already been accomplished and under promises of how God WILL receive us daily, as we come to Him. All of the Bible shows us glimpses of this active daily relationship with Jesus and who this God is who continually seeks relationship with us, because he created us for himself, for his glory and his delight. I am bent to sin. When I abide in the gospel of grace, he bends me towards his glory, toward what I am made for, toward enjoyment of Him and what he made me for. His gospel for me now, as a Christian of twenty years, is about abiding in His truths, abiding in His love, abiding in constant grace. I’m so thankful for the gospel of Jesus. It will never bore me.

The List - Part 1

If you didn't read my last post, it's an introduction to what this list is all about, so you'll be caught up...

So here’s my list, the good, the bad and mostly the ugly…I have attempted to order them on kind of a timeline but for the most part they are in no particular order…

Bible heroes. I used to look at Noah and David and Abraham and all those guys as if they were the ones that really had found favor with God. They were the mature Christians, the ones everyone looked up to, and because they were so righteous, God loved them and lifted them up. I overlooked all of their grave mistakes, including drunkenness, murder and adultery to name a few, just concerning the three men above. I failed to see that Jesus was the only hero of the Bible and none of us are picked because of the righteousness we have made for ourselves, but because of the righteousness Jesus has placed on us. 2 Co 5:21 says that He who knew no sin became sin so that He could place His righteousness on us. The problem with this thinking, as it personally affected me, was that I tended to see myself with a good hat and everyone else not as “good” with a bad hat. I saw all of us on a scale and it caused me to depend on a RELIGIOSITY rather than SOLEY on the blood of Jesus.

Grace. I struggled with a particular inclination especially in my late teens, early twenties with being really judgemental and hard on others concerning biblical issues that I myself had only just learned about. It seemed like as soon as the Lord brought something to light for me, I didn’t understand why everyone else simultaneously didn’t also have that same revelation. Even though the Lord had been patient with me in “x” area of my walk, after like five seconds of seeing it myself, I was already irritated that the whole world didn’t also “get it”. I had no grace and also no humility. I will still struggle with this at times and find myself bending this way when not abiding in Christ, because my sin awareness radar is off the charts, probably because of my spiritual giftings, so I often very quickly am aware of others’ weaknesses as well as my own. But I am learning, and hopefully have learned a lot, that any wisdom that I have is first of all from God. (James 1:16-17 “Don’t be deceived. Every good and perfect gift is from above.” He has given me everything that I know and understand and so I cannot be prideful. And two, God has given us a gracious and patient Counselor, the Holy Spirit, who Jesus said “will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” (John 14:26) I am a teacher at heart, so I appreciate this name for the Holy Spirit as a Teacher and Counselor. He has God’s glory and our sanctification in mind. I need to trust Him. I need to be slow to speak and quick to pray and ready to speak when He leads, not when I am impatient.

Bad language. (Sigh). So, I know that a lot of people are still really torn on this issue and I do not even attempt to write out a thorough argument on this matter so please don't hold me to it. I don’t feel that this is nearly as black and white as I used to think it was. I think my main problem, in the first ten-ish years of being a Christian was that I kind of rated popular, obvious sins as most offensive to God and I wanted to avoid those, make everyone else avoid those, and totally pass over the issues of the heart. I focused on sins like sex before marriage, drinking, drugs, bad language, homosexuality, and abortion. Literally (I grin) that was my entire sin list. If you were cleared on that list you were good with me. My moral bar was so high on the bad language topic and was so fierce that even if you were a NON Christian with no conviction whatsoever (obviously) on this issue, I would still rebuke you! At this time I would like to apologize to YOU if you were one of those people. I was nothing shy of FOOLISH to rebuke you. Foolish. Also I would now like to apologize to anyone else I rebuked for using bad language. Why did I consider myself the four letter word police? My heart was so focused on your offensive words that I missed the whole picture of your heart or why you even used the word in the first place. All over my head. I’m sorry, again. This was also a season in my life where if you asked me to talk about the sins I was dealing with and what I was asking the Lord for help with, I would not have been able to answer you. Why? Because I wasn’t doing anything on my offensive sins list. I could not see that I was doing my own thing, hardly ever praying, judging constantly, hearing the Bible but not always receiving it in my heart or responding to it (I'm not saying I'm perfect at these things now either, for certain), and basically walked around feeling pretty self-righteous. But hey, I wasn’t smoking or saying bad words, and that’s being like Jesus right? I wouldn't have SAID outloud that this was my theology...but the beliefs that you LIVE are the ones that you really believe. I was so backwards about sin. I just think bad language is a lot further down on the list, if it’s on the list at all, as to things that the Lord is concerned about. I think there’s a lot of freedom around language, more than I thought before, and I just need to keep before me two important instructions around my words and follow the Holy Spirit’s personal conviction for me in light of them. 1. Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” And 2. 1 Co 10:31-32 “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble…”

Dating. Especially in high school I remember having zero purpose with dating. I do think it would be kind of rare, but I hope that my kids will be graced with the wisdom that dating, or whatever you’d like to call it, is for a purpose. It is FOR marriage. It is not to fool around. Or for experience. I also really believed that as long as the guy I was dating was technically a Christian then everything was cool. No. There are lots of different kinds of Christians out there who believe lots of things all over the board and have many different convictions. I think in general Jason and I don’t understand any purpose of dating until a certain age, but we’re trying to keep it open in our hands, as the Lord leads us for our kids in the years to come. We want to stay prayerful, not religious. We want to address the heart, not the behavior. I am grateful for a community believers who believe with us that we want our boys to grow up “dating” mommy so they can practice for the years that they are pursuing their wife. And for daddies that are “dating” their daughters, treating them with a lavishing love, taking them to dinners and opening their doors and treating them as daughters of the King. I hope a generation of young people are coming who want to honor Jesus as they begin to desire marriage and spending their life with a husband or wife.

Boundaries with “sexual immorality” (this was before marriage). Another one that makes me laugh. I remember me and some of the other kids in youth group would constantly ask and constantly debate what the “line” was with “how far you could go.” Yet another inability to look at the heart. If my heart while just holding hands was incredibly lustful and distracted and disrespectful to the person I was with, then what I was commiting in my mind is to Christ the same as the sin of actual commiting the behavior. My pastor just talked today about how a religious person is only concerned about the EXTERNAL behavior, whereas Jesus digs straight down to the wellspring of our hearts to see our true motives and whether or not He or our desire is on the throne of our hearts. In that moment of opportunity to sin, am I surrendering my life to Christ, asking Him for help to be under His authority and to HONOR him with my thoughts, words, deeds, and actions? Or am I concerned with how much he will let me get away with? What a difference in heart. Even asking where the line is shows your heart’s desire is more for the sexual immorality than for purity and what pleases the Father. Psalm 19:12-14 says “Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. (things that I do not even realize are sins) Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. And then Psalm 139:24 says “See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.”

I'm going to post the rest of my list in another post since this is getting so far and the next one will cover more issues from the past eight years of my life...

Twenty years

This September I will have been a Christian for twenty years. I remember raising my hand. I remember my mom was there. I remember where my youth pastor was sitting and where I was sitting and that I really wanted to do it and that no one made me. I remember not really having any idea what I was getting into but felt…compelled.

As I was preparing for our Bible study this week I kind of got stuck on a popular verse that got me remembering that when I turn 32 this year, shortly thereafter it will have marked twenty years with the Lord. For the past few years I have been convicted about the popular verses. I don’t gravitate to them often. Only because of pride. Oh, I already know those. Or, everybody has read that a thousand times. That’s nothing new to anyone so I’ll look for something else. Even more prideful, I’d like a new revelation about this. Gross. I’m thankful the Holy Spirit exposed that to me, starting with the famous John 3:16. There’s a reason popular verses are popular. They are amazing!

Without further ado…the popular verse…with much valid, worthy, and admirable reason to be popular…Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

This is our instruction from now until the door of eternity. Not just a nice Bible verse from my quiet time today. This sentence is my bread, defining what in the world sanctification means. Renew your mind. Renewing our mind, with our hearts surrendered to Christ, means that we will be able to be different. But it starts with the mind. 1 Corinthians 2:16 says that “we have the mind of Christ”. That is a gift He gives. We are able to discern, now, spiritual things and to begin to think the way that God does about life, people, our spouses, our kids, non-believers, other Christians, trials, crisis, loss, blessing, and all else.

So sitting there, dwelling on my popular :) verse I didn’t want to move on because I felt compelled to sit there and examine what had been renewed about me these past t-w-e-n-t-y years with the Lord. (That’s a reaaaally long time. Wow. I feel like I should start thinking about throwing a party. I definitely should.)

So, how did I think about things before? How do I now? I made a list.

Lists are kind of fun. When I was younger, I would make “happy lists” (shout out to Laurel) and “why I am looking forward to summer” lists. Lists of how I wanted to sign my name with my new married name. And later baby names lists and prayer lists and meal plan lists and now I have this little writing book that is essentially a cute way of making a list of ideas and what people say that’s interesting and topics and all kinds of things. So, I like lists. And this list felt important when I was gathering my thoughts for our study. Not as much for the other women at all, but I was interested to do it between me and the Lord. A list of how my mind has been renewed on very specific topics. If I knew you at age 18 and haven’t seen you since, meet me – the today version – this list will help :).

One word to keep in mind: GRACE. I felt a lot of God’s grace as I was making this list. Thinking about how I saw things before and how I see things now isn’t a guilty or embarrassing or shocking thing. God is ever graceful and patient with us, revealing our sin in His timing, and refining our views of others and refining our words and refining our thought lives. There has been a lot of grace for me as slowly over time the Lord has gently addressed lots of messed up areas of thinking and living in my heart. He is soooo gracious to me and you. And I look at what I wrote, not with sadness or embarrassment, but I feel willing to expose it to myself and others because it’s a testament, a story, about a God who is about redemption. He is changing me. He has declared me a new creation. 2 Co 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” And for twenty years I have been His workmanship, changing me to look more and more like who He has declared me to be.

Since this is such a long blog…I will post my “list” tomorrow. I’ve got to have cliff hangers every once in a while, people!