Mrs. Speaks "My Mud Pit"

I think i generally avoid books on marriage.

I'm not proud of this. I mean, I've got a ring on my finger, I love my husband, and I want to grow with him over time. It's just that the thought of opening one of them feels ho hum. However, my mother in law recently bought a bunch of copies of a great one she is reading and gave me one. It's called Sacred Marriage. And I'm realizing it's been a little too long since I've been counseled on marriage. My accountability group would certainly concur that this does not mean that I haven't been wrestling like a contestant on survivor in the mud pits over worthy battles in my marriage though. My relationship with Jason is constantly on the forefront of my mind and the Holy Spirit won't let me wrestle free from his refinement for me in this sin area. So it's funny that I've avoided certain written counsel over it.

So the question I'm putting on the table today is something I've been chewing on the first three chapters:

Isn't it ridiculous to look for something in humans that only God can provide?

This is the constant shove I feel from the Holy Spirit on my heart concerning Jason. I have a feeling that my writing on seeing Jason as an idol in my life - so much more than what to expect from a husband - will be a topic on my blog for a long time. Not because I am not dealing with it, but because it's actually the biggest root I have ever had to weed out of my life by the power of Jesus in me. My decisions, my reactions, my hurt feelings, my pursuits, my love withheld, my expressions, and my sighs all say:

I am in this to benefit from you.
I am in this to experience a perfect relationship with you.
I am in this to be served by you.
I believe I can find fulfillment from you.

Does this ring a bell, wives? Or maybe you just read that and go, "Wo, she's got issues." That's fine. I think I do ;) But I bet some of you do too. And if you don't, keep reading so you can understand your friends' hearts who struggles like me.

The headline under the title of this book says, "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" True. But I've heard that statement so many times it's kind of bug to read it again. I have this super judgmental place in me that hears something like that and immediately my inner eyes begin rolling and tisking. But as I read the first three chapters the Holy Spirit began to unravel my irritation and started pouring grace in my hands for this probably over used Christian chatter. I heard, It IS true. So let it be true and don't let your heart be seared from it just because it has been said a thousand times.

So I kept reading. And the discussion behind that statement ministered more and more to me. The main thesis is this: "...we use our marriage to explore God. If we are consumed with highlighting where our spouses are falling short, we will miss the divine mysteries of marriage and the lessons it has to teach us." There are two main ways to view marriage - as a way to be fulfilled by that person (happiness) or as a relationship which God can use to show us about Him no matter what amount of benefit it brings to us (holiness). Our relationship with God will outlive our marriage and will carry into eternity, so therefore that earthly relationship is what this author would call the "penultimate rather than the ultimate reality." The "end" is to get to God as we enjoy, struggle with, pursue this earthly companionship.

There was a section that talked about in earlier church history there was seemingly an unofficial stance that married Christians were a sort of second class Christians who had comprimised integrity, as opposed to nuns and monks. "Most of the Christian classics were written by monks and nuns for monks and nuns. The married could at best feebly try to simulate a single pursuit of God; the thought of pursuing God through marriage wasn't really given serious consideration; instead, the emphasis was largely on pursuing God in spite of marriage."

I was so surprised to read this because prior to marriage I thought I was actually pretty great and since marriage the Lord has done nothing but reveal more and more layers of who I really am apart from him. The author goes on to say:

"If you want to be free to SERVE Jesus, there's no question - stay single. Marriage takes a lot of time. But if you want to become LIKE Jesus, I can't imagine a better thing to do than get married."

My goodness. Amen to that. Although I certainly would give myself no credit for being like Jesus since unlike Paula Abdul, all it seems like I do is take continual three steps back, I can feel in my core that at least I am learning the truth about myself. And anything good happening out of that truth is the Holy Spirit claiming ground.

I am learning to see marriage like this. But I've gotta tell you, it's not like a sweet little Bible study early in the morning light with a cute coffee mug and happy Christian music blistfully playing as I close my eyes and my spirit soars with Jesus. (Well, the coffee part is usually true). It's more like a tug of war and every morning I get tears in my clothing. I read these chapters, underline, agree in Spirit, and then ten minutes later I'm selfish, annoyed, grasping, irritable and crying out from the fountain in my heart, "It's about me!!!" Ah. Sin nature. So lovely!

Thank goodness for grace: God's unlimited unconditional patience for this looong journey of learning the humility of being like Jesus. Jesus does with me exactly what I begrudgingly withhold from my marriage - he covers me in grace, keeps loving me, keeps pursuing me, and never gives up hope for what he wants to see in me. Jesus you are teaching me who to be. How is your love so great?

And Jason, my love, I'm meditating, I'm thinking, I'm praying, I'm constantly relinquishing these over the top expectations rising up in me and if Jesus Christ is who we believe he is, this WILL get rooted out. Keep believing in Him in me. Join in that tug of war on behalf of me. I love you.